The New York City dating coach Amy Nobile, who charges $10,000 to work with her, said she created a foolproof method for weeding out incompatible matches.
Called the "3-4 rule," Nobile's method requires that singles learn four key principles about their prospect by the end of the third date. Those tenets are chemistry, core values, emotional maturity, and readiness.
According to Nobile, this method allows daters to assess chemistry and long-term compatibility. Often, singles focus on chemistry only and learn months or years into a relationship they aren't well matched, she said.
"And then it's six months later or six years later, and the other person pops their head up and says, 'I don't want kids in two years,'" Nobile told Insider.
The 4 tenets of a relationship that are nonnegotiable
According to Nobile, her four principles allow singles to take a more holistic look at romantic relationships.
The first tenet, chemistry, means you feel some sort of connection, whether physical or intellectual. Nobile said chemistry could often feel like the "just a knowing that there's some sort of connection."
The second tenet of core values is different for each single. According to Nobile, these categories could include family planning, career goals, personal goals, religion, or any other lifestyle choices and plans that could involve a partner.
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It's also important to know a date's emotional availability and maturity. A person who can articulate their feelings about themself and their relationships consistently embodies this trait, Nobile said.
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Last, it's important a prospect is ready for a relationship.
If a date doesn't check each of these four boxes, it's a sign they aren't your person, Nobile said.
Dates 1 and 2: Discuss career and relationships
When Nobile explains the 3-4 rule to new clients, they often freeze in fear over how to elicit personal information in just three dates.
Asking specific questions on each date can help, according to Nobile.
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She suggested using your first and second dates to learn about a prospect's career and passions, what they've learned about themselves over the past year, the relationship they're looking for, and their relationship history. It's also a good time to ask about their family and long-term goals, Nobile said.
Date 3: Time to talk family and deal breakers
By the third date, you can get into more specifics about relationship deal breakers, family planning, marriage, and communication styles.
Though it can be nerve-racking, self-love and practice help, Nobile said.
When Nobile started working with an introverted woman in her mid-30s, it took her 10 first dates to muster up the courage to ask about a date's previous relationships.
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"She just found her guy recently," Nobile said. "She asked him all the questions, and she was like, 'I can't believe it. I just didn't own my worth. I was scared of the response.' So yeah, it's amazing."
