Denial and the Love Addict- How to Overcome Denial - Love Addiction Recovery (2024)

Whether an addiction is to drugs, alcohol, sex,love/romance, etc.-- they all share something very potent and consequential: DENIAL.

Denial is a primary psychological symptom that fuels unhealthy, destructive, and compulsive behaviors in addicts. Denial is adefense mechanism used to escape or avoid pain and discomfort when life's realities seem too much to bear.

Denial is a “malignancy” that distorts and literally changes, twists, and modifies an addict’s reality.

Self-delusionis denials confidante.Denial refuses to see and accept reality, as it actually exists. Addicts will often say to themselves,"I have no problem, there's no harm, I'm fine, I’m in total control",all the while their world is falling apart around them. What's more, addicts are often the last to recognize the plague of their denial, often pursuing their addictioninto the gates of insanity and the collapse of their health and wellbeing, and sometimes their life.
The baffling thing about denial is that it can mirror itself... when denial faces denial, it denies it.

Denial isn't all bad.It is normal for most people to use short-term denialat various times in their lives. Short-term denial can be a healthy coping mechanism that gives time to adjust to acute distressing life experiences. For example, short-term denial is often used when a personlearns of a sudden death of a loved one-- and they go into an abrupt state of numbness, shock, and think "this cannot be true, I am in a dream."

Under normal conditions, these feelings will dissipate withtime and allowa person to experiencetheir feelings and gothrough thegrieving process,and ultimately get to a placeof acceptance.

Reality is also crucial when it comes to relationships. Observing and accepting reality contributes to making healthier relationship choices, including love and romantic relationships. When we are living in reality, observing and accepting what is, and who someone is-- helps usto better determinewhether apotential partner is good for us, or not. Reality helps to establishif a person has the capacity or is capable of meeting our relationship needs; includingintimacy and closeness. Reality helps to establish whetheran existing relationshipis good for us or not, andwhetheraperson and/or a relationship (romantic or otherwise) is worth our time and energy.

When we allow ourselves to look at people and things around us through a transparent lens of reality-- wecan make healthier choices (self-care). Reality!-- Itmatters topsychological health and wellbeing.

How Love Addicts Use Denial (Avoiding Reality) InAddictive Relationships

Caroline (love addict) describes how denial operated in her relationship with Kirk:

“When I started dating Kirk, I felt like we knew each other for years; it was like like the heavens brought us together… I felt sucha deep cosmic connection,instantly,with him. Like a deer in the headlights, Iwas intensely obsessed and focused with his 'amazing'qualities and nothing else. Hewas smart, successful;so charming, flattering, and gave me lots of attention; like no one else existed in his world, but me. He wasopen and vulnerable (seemingly, at least)- and I lovedthis about him.

Very early in our relationship, I made a conclusion within the first two or three weeks of knowing him. Izealously concluded to myself,'He was the one for me.I know it because I know all of who he is; we are made for each other; he treats me like a Princess; this strong, charming,loving,giving man isforever mybliss.' I was euphoric and felt like the luckiest woman on earth.

My conclusion was heartfelt and felt like a total reality.

Nevertheless,looking back, I am fully cognizant ofhow deep my denial really was. In my obliviousness, I was looking through a thick-foggy and dirt-coatedlens. A lensof who I thought he was. I never fully embraced all his partsas a person. I wanted to see what I wanted to see at the time. I didn't want to see or accept any reality of him that would mess withhow elated and alive I felt.I fell in love with a fantasyof what I imagined him to be.Ifell head or over heels for'potential' of who he could be,a potentialI fully made up in my head.

I ignoredso manyaspects of who he really was. I can see now looking back, how much I denied blatant realities that were so present early on; his problematic qualities, avoidance,his bursts of anger/rage which would often startle me;his indifference and aloofness (I saw as 'strength'), and yes, his vain, selfish, and narcissistic ways. My denial just kept going and going, all the way through our three-year relationship.

And the crazy thing was, the more our relationship progressed, the stronger my denial became. More and more, I minimized, justified, and lied to myself. It is all baffling when I think back on how this denial all played out.

I dismissed the fact that he cheated in his past three long-term relationships: He wouldn't cheat on me, I'd tell myself. I glossed over how he consistently treated people close to him, with disdain;talkingharshly behind the backs of his friends and family members: He would never treat me this way, I'd tell myself.

When he woulddistance and show contempt for me for no reason, I’d blame myself. I’d think his disrespectwas my fault. I would thinkI wasn’t being good enough or lovable enough or perfect enough. I'd constantly minimizeso many of his distasteful behaviors.I accepted his justification for why he had ‘zero’ relationship with his six-year-old daughter, who only lived three miles away. I bought into his reasoning for his refusal to pay child support for his own child,blaming his ex or saying he doesn't have enough money (he did). I never considered, if he is like this to his own child (lack of empathy), and takes no responsibility for his obligations; he would surely, eventually, be this way in our life if we had kids, and show this kind of contempt in our relationship. Of course he would, I see now. He was showing me exactly who he is-- reality was right in front of me, consistently. Denial lived in me and a part of my existence in this relationship.

Even when my denial began to crumble, and it would plenty of times, I'd deny it. I’d convince myself that his emotional unavailability andcallousness was temporary, though it was frequent.I'd tell myself, 'This is not him; he'll change, things will get better when he gets through this time at work.' I'd think to myself, 'onceunderstands me more, once he really gets how much I love and cherish him; give to him, then he’ll be that ''real man' I know he is." Sadly, it was never, ever, there!

I know they call itlove addiction. But I think it could also be called 'denial addiction'. Although I genuinely had feelings that I was deeply in love with Kirk,I truly believethefeelings of love were solelyabout my denial. I was addicted to my denial and myfantasy I created arounddenial.

It took me a really solid recovery process, specific to my love addiction (or denial addiction), to break downdenial; to do a deep cleaning of the lens I was looking through to gain theclarityI now have, thankfully.If I were able to go back to the beginning of my relationship with Kirk, with blinders off, observing and accepting all reality; all of his reality, the man hereally was (the reality Inow see)... never, ever, ever, ever would I have chosen him as a partner. Because I would be able to see that he was not a person who had any capacity to meet my needs forintimacy, closeness, safety., and relational satisfaction.I neverhad that. I'm learning now, it is possible. I'm learning I deserve real love."

As I mentioned earlier, denial is a symptom of most addictions-- but I believe denial is often the strongest and most unrelenting for those struggling with love addiction.

Denial is thequintessential component of addictive love and it is denial whichignites the love addiction cycle. Indeed, the cycle of love addiction cannot occur without denialbeing in the driver's seat.

Two Primary Ways Love Addicts Use Denial in Relationships:

1 - Refusalto acknowledge and accept the reality of apartner, or potential partner(who the other person reallyis).

Love addicts enter relationships disregarding or minimizing a partner'sreality. This includesemotional walls, aloofness, selfishness, red-flags/warning signs, and/or narcissism. Instead of seeing who the other person truly is,theyfixate on positivequalities(real or perceived), then 'make-up' who he/she is, and create a fantasyof a 'Prince' or 'Princess'who willfinally make them feel 'enough', whole, and alive.

2- Downplay the negative consequences suffered in their addictive relationship

Love addicts invariablydismiss or ignore the negative consequences they suffer in arelationship. They'll tolerate incessant disconnection, disappointment, heartache, disrespect, and emotional rejection. What's more, while theirrelational needs go chronically un-met (e.g., intimacy/closeness). Despite this, they'll continue doing all they can to meet their partner's needs. Essentially, love addicts denyhowmuch distress and unhappiness theiraddictiverelationship is causing them; as well asthe negative impact it has on theirwellbeing.

Denial starts early for love addicts. As time goes by and more reality is faced about a partner and the state of a relationship, denial does start crumbling and cracking; yet,the grip of denial is sticky and can often endure, even after a breakup occurs, as withdrawal sets in. *

Getting help is the key to overcoming

The moment a love addict meets a particular person who triggers all the right feelings of intensity, excitement, and sexual passion-- denial comes rushing in and thefantasy of who their partner is, and will befor them, is formed. With denial they quickly idealize a person-- then blatantly, yet unintentionally, disregard obvious walls, aloofness, and potential or real red-flags (e.g., addictions, unfriendly relationship history, affairs, selfishness, dishonesty, love-bombing behaviors, etc.).

To keep denial alivethey develop many excuses and justifications—“I know he wants to be there for me, he is just been so busy”; "She really does love me but has a hard showing it”; “Once we get past this stressful time, he’ll be that man I fell in love with in the beginning.” Sometimes denial is so powerful, love addicts may even tell themselves, “I might as well stay in this relationship, heck, it's better than being alone; and I probably won’t do much better anyway; this is how all men/women are."

Distorted and Shame-Based Beliefs Love Addicts Often Use to Support Denial:

• A belief that ”I cannot live without him/her”.
• A belief that "The man/woman I first met, is who he/she truly is"
• A belief that “It’s my fault he/she distances; is cold, critical… if only I'm diferent”
• A belief that“If I become a better partner, I'll recapture the person I hadin the beginning”
• A belief that “He/she is better, stronger, more deserving than I"
• A belief that"My needs/wants aren't that important"
• A beleif that "I'm just too needy and if I stop having needs, he/she will love me"
• A beliefthat “I can’t tolerate dealing with another failed relationship, I must make this work"
• A belief that “If I am alone/single, it’s bad,pathetic, and proves I’m unlovable/worthless”
• A beliefthat “I’ll never find anyone who will 'love’ me like him/her-- this is my only chance”
• A beliefthat “All men (or women) are this way;I might as well deal with it"
• A belief that “When things are good, they are sogood andamazing, I know it's love”
• A belief that“He/she says he loves me, cares,is committed; so it must be true", (despite blatant behavioral inconsistencies)

Love Addicts Denial of Self

Not only do love addicts deny a partners reality and the consequences in their relationship-- they deny their own truth. They deny their needs and wants (e.g., intimacy, closeness). They deny their own feelings— and may even goso far as shaming and blaming the self for having feelings. They deny their intuitive senses-- which are usually more accurate, than not. They deny their own identity— a romantic partners identity becomes their identity , andlose a sense of themselves, which significantly becomes apparent during breakup.Moreover, love addicts go into relationships in a one-down position and deny their true worth and value in relationships in comparison with their romantic partner.

Awareness is the first step to breaking denial.

Reality is fundamental to healthy transformation and change. To overcome denial in love addiction means facing the truth head-on.

True healingoccurswhen denial begins to burst and a love addict becomes open to receiving help.

There are times a love addict will experience the crumbling of denial in the midst of a relationship. What will happen during these experiences is they will feel anxiety, fear, pain, and/or feelings of abandonment-- forexample, when they noticetheiravoidant partner is frequently emotionally walled up. But oncetheir partnergives them the tiniest bit of attention, denial of their partner swiftly comes right back.

Denial cracksfurther as a relationship comes to an end or a breakup occurs. But even still-- denials power and resistance will often continue even after a breakup.Many love addicts will reach out for help at this point, as withdrawal sets in. Or, they will avoid reality and move on to find another person to try coping,and further repeat the unhealthy relationship pattern.

Reaching out for specialized help, I believe, is the most important step to break free from denial and allow healing to occur.

As an expert in this field, when I first begin working with a person to overcome their love addiction (love addiction coaching), he or sheis not typically denying that love addiction is a problem; they usually are quite aware of this. Wheredenial isprofound is in how they continue seeing their partner;and how they view theirrelationship they were in with their partner-- including theconsequences they've suffered, and continue suffering as a result.

With denial in command, their fantasy continues to havethem convincedhe/she is "the one", despitetheir experience with a partner whowas consistently emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, andunable to meet their needs for intimate connection; and sometimes verbally and/or physicallyabusive. For some in denial, they're convincedthe relationship with their partner is their 'last chance'; and if it doesn't work, they feeldoomed. For others, denial has them intensely convinced(and genuinely feeling) "Ilove him/her so much"-- Not to say this can never be true. Howeverin most cases, once a client breaks free from denial and comes to acceptthe reality of 'who their partneris'-- what they discover ishow little they genuinelyloved or respected about their partner--- and that they never could have beenhappy or satisfied given the reality of their partner.

The process of moving into realityand overcoming denial is not an easy task. Butwhen it does happen-- itisan amazingly transforming experience.Breaking denial is what opens the door to authentic healing and recovery, something you and all who are challenged with this problem, fully deserve.

“Love Addiction Recovery is About Living in Truth…Where Peace and Serenity Become Possible"

Denial is the fuel of love addiction. If you want freedom and serenity from denial-- thefirst and most important stepis to gain awareness, which leads to breakingfree of denial- It's imperativeto get help. There is no better way to do this than by working with an expert in love addiction and recovering-- whether it be a therapist, psychologist, and/or love addict recovery coach.

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