Something like: “I watched Aladdin every day of third grade” is cute. “I still need to see Killers of The Flower Moon; message me if you’re down for a four-hour date,” presents an obvious entry point for conversation. The idea is to seem interesting to talk to—[hometown] plane emoji [city you currently live in] is not getting the job done.
What this means when you message
Do not open with anything sexual—not a dick pic, not a pick-up line, not even a sexually adjacent compliment. Do not try to be clever or overly familiar: “You look exactly like my next girlfriend.” Try opening with a question, and no, “wyd rn ;),” doesn’t count. Go with something fun and off-beat like, “Do you think people should make their beds every morning?” or “What’s your favorite fast food burger?” This previews what it’s like to hang out with you—you don’t want to come off as creepy, lecherous, or lazy. Effort is hot.
2. Emit nice, normal vibes
Perhaps contrary to popular belief, your job on a dating app is not to stand out but rather to signal to someone that you’re not going to Buffalo Bill them. Yes, hot is important, but don’t underestimate the power of giving off a “nice guy with normal interests” kind of vibe. Women aren’t always safe around strange men, so remember that we’re taking a bit of a risk when meeting you. Make your profile low-risk. The goal is to express normalcy (safety) with a dollop of originality.
What this means for your pictures
You must have more than one photo. I know I said the first photo is the most important, but that’s predicated on the existence of other photos. You know who only has one photo of themselves? A catfisherman who got that photo off of someone else’s LinkedIn. The easiest thing to do to convince people that you’re a nice, normal guy is to smile in your photos. I know it seems simple, but you’d be surprised how few men do it and how effective it is at selling us on the idea that you’re not dangerous. (Please, serial killers, don’t read this article).
What this means for your bio
This may come as a real shock, but if you put sexist stuff in your bio, we’re going to assume that you don’t like women. As one of my friends put it when swiping through her matches, “I think these men forget that they’re trying to date women.” If you mention you’re looking for someone to cook for you, or make some facile “joke” about how you’re looking for a trophy wife, or you say something cruel about certain women’s bodies, well, you’ve just alienated potential matches.
Instead, try telling people what you’re like in a playful way. Focus on positives rather than negatives. “I listen to Christmas music all year round” or “I can teach you to drive stick shift” are great examples that also give your fellow swipers something to message you about.
What this means when you message
Don’t be overly eager to meet up with a woman. If we’ve only messaged four times within the app, I’m almost certainly not ready to meet you face to face. Imagine dating like feeding a deer (I know this is a weird metaphor; stick with me). You want to hold your hand out and stay still, letting the deer come to you, realizing you’re open to giving it food. What I see a lot of men doing is running after a deer, throwing steaks at it, yelling, “Why won’t you eat this?!? I’m trying to feed you!!” Slow your roll.
