No more awkward silences on yourfirst date – try outthis list of probingquestions designedto cut to the chaseand help you to find The One.
Is thereanything more socially awkward than a bad first date – and a blinddate at that? There are the uncomfortablesilences, the stilted attempts at conversationand a desperate desire for thebill to arrive.
I experienced it all on a particularlyawkward date that turned out to be disastrous,to put it mildly.His left eye can’t stop nervously twitchingand we’re never on the same page. When heglances to the left, I look to the right. Oureyes meet only when one of us says somethingthen we again look in opposite directions– his eye still jumping.
I comment on the weather.
“Yeeees,” he sighs and takes a sip of hiscoffee.
The cup of coffee seems bottomless andthere’s a real chance it will never empty sowe can call for the bill.
I wish I’d known about psychologistArthur Aron and his famous list of of questionsyou can use to find out if you’ll be ableto fall in love with a person.
Aron, an expert in the field of interpersonalrelationships and love, developed atechnique 20 years ago that apparently dramaticallyimproves two people’s chances offalling in love.
All they have to do on their first date is toask each other his 36 questions (below), answer them honestly and gaze intoeach other’s eyes for four minutes.
The technique certainly worked for atleast two of his research subjects. He invitedseveral strangers to his laboratory to askeach other the questions in pairs. Sixmonths later two of them were married andAron, professor of psychology at the State University of New York, was guest of honour.
The questionnaire has become popularagain in recent weeks and interest waspiqued ahead of Valentine’s Day. More andmore people online are saying the questionshave helped them to find their truelove.
So could it work for me given that I didn’thave much luck with Jumping Eye Guy?
Thelogic behind Aron’s techniqueis that 36 very personal questionswould force two strangers to revealsomething of their own vulnerabilitiesto each other. Thisforms a bond between them.
When I learnt about the questions I decided to put them to the test. My guinea pig was Werner Hattingh (31) a software engineerof Somerset West in the Western Cape.We were introduced by a mutual friend.
As I arrived at the beachfront restaurantat 6 pm I reminded myself I wasn’t there tofind my Great Love. It was work – I wantedonly to find out if Werner and I would feel“more intimate” after answering the 36questions and staring into each other’s eyesfor four minutes uninterrupted.
YOU journalist Joanie Bergh and her guineapig, Werner Hattingh, put psychologistArthurAron’s questionnaire to the test. Could it spark love and intimacy by forcing you and your date out of your comfort zone? PHOTO: Misha Jordaan
Although Werner knew he was there to answer some questions it was nerve rackingwork to say the least.The questions gradually become more serious as they delve deeper into your family,personal disappointments and expectationsof a partner.
To our surprise the questionnaire, which apparently should have taken only 45 minutes, kept us busy for five hours. In fact the waiters eventually began to pack up and stash away the tables around us.
Your personality probably determines how you respond to the questions but withevery question Werner and I spontaneously started talking about other things as well. Each question sparked another anecdote, experience or I-feel-the-same exchange.
Things became so sociable we had to remind ourselves of the questionnaire.
The list appears to spare the potential couple – introvert or extrovert – any uncomfortable silences. The questions are highly personal and force you to think about them and respond in depth.
Aron’s novel technique nudges you out of your comfort zone with questions you definitely wouldn’t want to ask or be asked on a first date. There were times I prayed Werner wouldn’t flee, freaked out by the intrusiveness of the questions.
But the vulnerable moments definitely created intimacy and for that we have Aronto thank.
When we finally said goodbye just after 11 pm, the only people around in the parking lot were Werner, the car guard and I. We hadn’t even had time to gaze into each other’s eyes for four minutes.
So did Arthur’s questionnaire lead Werner and I to true love? After that date we saw each other in a restaurant again – this time without the questionnaire– and again we talked for nearly five hours.
“It was weird at our first meeting to have a list of 36 questions on the table and someone telling me to answer them all,” Werner said after our first encounter.
Asked if the questions were useful and would make two people fall in love, he said possibly. “It might work. Or perhaps it means two strangers would in any case fall in love – with or without a questionnaire. Who’s to know?” Who knows if Jumping Eye Guy and I would have fallen for each other if we’d hadAron’s questionnaire. Instead I’d taken the board game 30 Seconds along, which inhindsight was probably not as clever as I’d thought. I asked him if he wanted to be the blue or the yellow icon. I thought my idea of getting to know each other better through 30 Seconds was innovative and creative.He didn’t. His eye stopped jumping – and we got our bill.
The 36 questions that lead to love
- Given the choice of anyone in the world,who would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say Why?
- What would constitutea “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last singto yourself? To someoneelse?
- If you could live to 90 and retain eitherthe mind or the body of a 30-year-old forthe last 60 years of your life, which wouldyou want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about howyou’ll die?
- Name three things you and your partnerappear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel mostgrateful?
- If you could change anything about theway you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes to tell your partneryour life story in as much detail aspossible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow havinggained any one quality or ability, whatwould it be?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t youdone it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew you’d die suddenly in a year’s time, would you changeanything about the way you live now? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection playin your life?
- Take turns sharing something youconsider a positive characteristicin your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family?Do you think your childhood washappierthan most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationshipwith your mother?
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both inthis room feeling . . .”
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share . . .”
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, share what would be important for them to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them. Be honest, saying things youmight not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After savingyour loved ones and pets, you have time tosave one last item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family,whose death would you find mostdisturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and askyour partner’s advice on how theymight handle it. Also, ask your partner toreflect back to you how you seem to feelabout the problem you’ve chosen.
