Part II of II
When you think about the types of secrets we keep, there may be a few for which you think, Well, I have had this experience, and I don’t really tell people about it, but is it a secret?
What sets a secret apart from other things we don’t talk about is an intention—specifically, the intention to keep the information unknown. To help identify which experiences count as a secret, we need to distinguish secrecy from privacy.
You can draw a line between secrecy and privacy by considering secrecy as an intention to hold specific information back, and privacy as a reflection of how much you broadcast personal information, in general. People who are more private require closeness before they let you in. Yet those who are less private may be happy to disclose personal information, and not just to friends and family, but to coworkers, acquaintances, and even people they’ve just met. You may not want to discuss your sexual experiences at work out of concern for privacy (and for what is appropriate), but this is very different from wanting to keep some specific experience a secret. In both cases, you are taking control of your personal information, but for different reasons.
Aside from sex, money is another example of something you may not talk about but may not be intentionally keeping secret. You might not talk about your paycheck out of concern for privacy, rather than wanting nobody to ever know what it looks like. At the same time, there may be other specifics you intend to keep hidden, such as a particularly unwise financial decision. These examples help us see that privacy and secrecy can coexist, and there can be gray area in between. Can we ever really separate them? Yes, and the person who knows best— whether something is private or secret—is you.
I find in my research that the more immoral we consider a personal experience or action, the more it feels like a secret, rather than something that is merely private. I also find that the more we think others would find the information relevant to their own lives, the more something unsaid feels like secrecy instead of privacy.
We know this from a study involving 1,000 participants in committed relationships. I asked the participants to think about something they had not disclosed to their romantic partners. This was easy for them to do. We all have many such things, ranging from the consequential to the mundane. Some of the things people hadn’t disclosed were acts they considered highly immoral, like cheating on their partner and misrepresenting their past. The participants said that these felt very much like secrets. But other things did not seem immoral. For example, one participant told me he quite enjoys having the apartment to himself and doesn’t mind when his partner is away for the weekend. In fact, it makes him quite happy. Another participant told me that her partner doesn’t know how much she spends on yarn. These things didn’t feel like they matter all that much, and so not mentioning them didn’t feel like keeping secrets.
A commonly avoided topic within romantic relationships is information about past relationships. Sure, when we first get together with someone there is some pertinent information to trade, but we tend not to see much value in discussing intimate facts with our current partner. It’s not that this information is being held back, but rather we have no need to talk about it.
I find in my research that there is another major reason you may choose to avoid a conversation topic: You are trying to avoid a conflict. A conversation at the Thanksgiving table might turn toward politics, where your views are well known and not secret. But you might prefer to stay tight-lipped rather than get into a fight. Perhaps you know that you are not going to change your family member’s mind on a political issue. Why bother? You might even have the perfect comeback on the tip of your tongue and yet you hold it back. This is very different from, out of fear of being judged, not wanting other people to know who you voted for in a recent election.
You can bite your tongue in conversation for any number of reasons, of which secrecy is only one. Whatever actions you take around keeping your secret, and whatever the context is that surrounds this decision, what is common across all secrets is one thing: you intend for other people to not learn the information. This is what makes something a secret.
Part II of II
FAQs
You can draw a line between secrecy and privacy by considering secrecy as an intention to hold specific information back, and privacy as a reflection of how much you broadcast personal information, in general. People who are more private require closeness before they let you in.
Is a secret or private information? ›
Secret: information intentionally withheld for the purpose of avoiding consequences. Private: information intentionally withheld for the purpose of creating safety or protection of self or others.
What is private but not secret relationship? ›
The concept about it is that the people involved choose to keep their details and personal matters to themselves. It's defined by how limited the details you share to other people about your relationship.
What makes a secret a secret? ›
A secret is any piece of information that's intentionally hidden from someone else. There are three main reasons why someone–or an organization like a company or country–would want to keep a secret. One is that the person gains a strategic advantage from having information that other people don't have.
What's the difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship? ›
Privacy refers to your personal boundaries about your history, thoughts, opinions, and experiences separate from your partner and relationship. Secrecy, on the other hand, involves something that you are intentionally hiding from your partner.
What is considered a secret? ›
: something kept hidden or unexplained : mystery. b. : something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few. c. : a method, formula, or process used in an art or operation and divulged only to those of one's own company or craft : trade secret.
Does confidential mean secret? ›
adjective. Information that is confidential is meant to be kept secret or private.
Is secret higher than confidential? ›
United States. The U.S. classification system is currently established under Executive Order 13526 and has three levels of classification—Confidential, Secret, and Top Secret. The U.S. had a Restricted level during World War II but no longer does.
What information is considered private? ›
According to most data privacy laws, personal information is any information that can be used to identify a person. It can range from basic information, like a person's name or phone number, to intricate details, including biometric data and location tags.
How do you keep your relationship private but not secret? ›
The number one rule of a private relationship: don't post about it online. An occasional photo or comment is acceptable, but religiously sharing intimate details and photos is a red flag. It's okay to say you're with someone, but it's a big no-no to post about every moment you have together.
The main difference between privacy and secrecy is intention. When you enjoy some degree of privacy, you're not really hiding anything – you're just living your life, going about your day. Intentionally having secrets in relationships—well, that's a different matter entirely.
What is a private relationship called? ›
Terms like secret dating, private dating or secret romance refer to the concept of dating or romance between people who wish keep it private from others they might otherwise normally inform. It often overlaps with concepts like forbidden love (such as in affairs or disputes between families).
What are the 3 rules of the secret? ›
In The Secret, Ask, Believe, Receive, are the fundamentals to the Law of Attraction. You can get the things you want with the power of your thoughts, and the energy it puts out.
What are the three types of secret? ›
There are three kinds of secrets: natural, promised, and entrusted. This is a broad division and various subdivisions might be introduced under each class. But these subdivisions have no particular moral relevance except under the third class of entrusted secrets.
What does a secret feel like? ›
At first, a secret may feel like a form of protection, but ultimately the anxiety, fear, shame, regret and guilt take a toll on our body and mind.
What does it mean when someone says they are private? ›
The privacy works to their personal defense and advantage. Meaning, they say they are private as a warning to others to not ask any personal questions or delve into their inner thoughts or space. The main reason they say this is because they don't want to be found out. They don't want to be discovered.
What does a private relationship mean? ›
The world may know two people are together, but the couple keeps intimate details close to their chests. The ins and outs of the relationship aren't shared on social media but are reserved for each other and close friends. Basically, what happens in a private relationship stays in the relationship.
