It has dawned on me thatthe older National Basketball Associationcommissioner David Stern gets, the more I see the NBA turning into its more restrictive American football counterpart—the NFL, aka the No Fun League.
In fact, the NBA should now stand for the No Balls Associationin discussions held atwater cooler breaks, bracketology meetings and all around the blogosphere.
My frustration stems from NBA executive Stu Jackson's decree this week,thus banning current Dallas Maverick guard Caron Butler and all other pro ballers from chewing on straws because the plastic items, normally used for drinking beverages,present potential hazards of some sorton the court.
What. Ev. Er.
When Butler was with the Washington Wizards, he had done the habit almost throughout his4 1/2-yeartenure. The Washington media in factmade light of the situation, with the Washington Post's Dan Steinberg and WTTG Fox 5's Dave Feldman both finding it odd yet totally innocuous.
For example, the reporters asked Butler if he preferredregular straws to bendy, flexible ones,from fast food restaurantsor the generic kind.
(Butler's choice: regular ones, particularly from McDonald's.)
However, once Butler was shipped to one of thebetter teams in the Western Conferencelast monthbefore the league's trade deadline, thus gaining more exposure tothis masticating fetish, it seemingly becomesa big problem for NBA headquarters in New York to correct.
Gevald!
OnceStern and his boysstarted gettingtheir pants dry-cleaned with extra starch andat high-waters length—post-Malice-in-the-Palace—that's when they decided to straighten out all aspects of behavior and comportment that, to me,still haven't drastically changed the league's image.
Instead of allowing Allen Iverson and others to wear baggy jeans andT-shirts five sizes too big, Stern enforced a button-down-and-slacksdress code.
Instead of letting Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wadeand LeBron Jameswear leggings and othergear that reduces pressure on lower extremitiessuch as ankles and knees, Stern, banned the dorky-yet-necessarylegwear for less supportive braces.
And instead of keeping tabs on players in locker rooms, where firearmstandoffstake placeasif it's the OK Corral, Stern decided to suspend boneheads likeGilbertArenas—after the fact.
Well, the suspension on Arenas and his fellow villageidiot Javaris Crittenton was a good thing, but I am still scratching my head as to why the NBA is continuing toco*ckblock harmless activities like chewing straws—something Caron Butler has admitted todoing since he was in high school and in collegeat UConn!
I've chewed on straws from time to time in my day, andthey have alwaysleft a nice, gluey, paper-towel taste in my mouth. All joking aside, it's a nasty habit, but am I the only one who has neverseen say, Chris Paul or Shaq, ever having one of their eyes gouged out...by a straw?
Or did you everwatch Dwight Howard ina game where he'sbeing cornered at one spot on the floor by the other team, and stabbedwith "plastic daggers" simultaneously,a la Caesar and hisassassins on that fatefulRomanday in March, 44 B.C.?
Come on!
In my mind ifButler remained in Washington,this never wouldhave resultedin an institutional crackdownby the higher-ups. But now that he's among the elite teams with, yes ,an ebullient, rebelliousowner thatthe commish justloves to hate (Mark Cuban), Stern will continue to Grinch upthe arena that everyone used to love and grow fond of.
Sadly, there's nojoy in Whoville (or Mudville, your take)anymore. And yes, Stern, you can chew on that .
Oh, shoot...This just in: According toan Associated Press report, the NBA hasbanned all players from chewing gum and fingernails, effective immediately... Sorry, LeBron!
The article touches on several concepts related to the NBA, its policies, player behavior, and league regulations. Let's break it down:
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NBA Policies and Regulations: The discussion revolves around the NBA's evolving policies, comparing the league to its more restrictive counterpart, the NFL. There's frustration expressed at the league's tightening rules under Commissioner David Stern, referencing various bans on player behavior and attire.
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Specific Policy Instances: The piece cites instances of NBA regulations, such as Stu Jackson's decree banning players, notably Caron Butler, from chewing on straws due to perceived hazards on the court. This leads to criticism of the NBA's tendency to crack down on seemingly harmless player habits.
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Player Conduct and Dress Code: The article talks about how the league enforced a dress code, transitioning from baggy clothes to a more formal attire for players like Allen Iverson. It criticizes the restrictions on players wearing leggings or gear meant to support their lower extremities.
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Incidents and Player Behavior: Reference is made to specific incidents involving players like Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton, where the league intervened after problematic behavior took place, specifically mentioning firearm-related incidents.
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Comparison of Player Teams: There's a contrast drawn between the Washington Wizards (Butler's former team) and his new team, the Dallas Mavericks, highlighting how the change in team status seemed to influence the league's response to his habits.
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Critique of Stern's Leadership: The article heavily critiques Commissioner Stern's leadership style, likening it to a 'Grinch' that has altered the once-beloved NBA atmosphere, suggesting a loss of joy in the league due to strict regulations.
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Humorous Commentary: The article employs humor to underscore its frustration, using analogies like comparing the league's actions to historical events (stabbing a player with "plastic daggers" like Caesar) and referencing popular fictional places (Whoville) to illustrate the loss of joy in the NBA.
In summary, the article delves into the NBA's policies, changes in player conduct regulations, specific incidents involving players, criticism of the league's tightening restrictions, and a humorous yet critical take on Commissioner Stern's impact on the NBA's atmosphere.
