The blurb that comes with Arsenal’s shiny new kit is like something from a new age self-help book:
“Where victory comes through harmony. Where the players' moments and the fans' songs are passed down through the generations, from Highbury to Emirates to the world. There's no club like Arsenal. No team like the Gunners.”
Even Arsenal's Tomas Rosicky, modelling the new away shirt, looks like he has come to you in a dream to offer spiritual advice.
Tomas Rosicky sports Arsenal's new away kit
Inspiring stuff, ‘eh? And there was me thinking it was just an over-priced footy strip. But I've not done Puma’s new offering justice. Because this isn’t just any kit. According to the German sportswear manufacturer, the “authentic compression shirt” matches the North London club’s “modern legacy” (finishing fourth?) with a design “grounded in class and tradition”.
Apparently, “built-in Puma ACTV tape aligns with muscles used during football plays, goals, and celebrations” and these are “strategically placed to optimise performance”.
Ah, I see! What a relief. That’s why the shirt alone costs a hundred quid.
All very well you might be thinking (you probably won’t be) but what about the fans? More specifically, what about those portly souls who might just struggle to squeeze into a top so snug it makes lycra look baggy?
Never fear, for those clever clogs at Puma have designed a second shirt - diplomatically named the ‘Replica Jersey’ - which is a touch more airy, and considerably cheaper.
It's a marketing method already employed in Rugby Union. When England abandoned their traditional loose collared shirt and introduced a skinny fit at the 2003 World Cup, manufacturers quickly realised that many fans were put off forking out on a top that was not entirely flattering and so introduced a looser terrace version.
But when it comes to football, not every supporter has a choice. The vast majority of clubs still produce identical shirts for fans and players, which means the same cut applies for the toned body of a professional athlete and for the undulating torso of a beer-swilling terrace die-hard.
Where has the trend for super-tight sporting attire come from? As Madonna would definitely say had we asked her: VOGUE! In the late 80s and early 90s, when popular fashion dictated that every item of clothing had to be daubed in a neon vomit of bright yellow, green, pink and orange, football quickly followed suit. Look at what they made Norwich play in:
Norwich City's kit in the early 90s - known as the 'bird poo shirt'
Then the Happy Mondays happened, Shaun Ryder waxed lyrical about the virtues of a ‘loose fit’ and Umbro, Adidas, Pony (remember them?) and the rest decided to use 27 times as much material as was necessary. This is the result:
Ryan Giggs models United's comfort fit shirt of the mid-90s
Now we are in the era of super-skinny jeans and the tight t-shirt-wearing sp*rnosexual, and manufacturers are eager to claim their slim slice of the ill-fitting pie.
They may claim that the streamlined design helps attackers avoid succumbing to defenders’ dastardly shirt-pulling tactics but don’t be fooled: they still stretch like a wet leotard…
Anyway, back to the question at hand. Should you wear a super-skinny football shirt? The answer is, very clearly, no. They are outrageously over-priced, the material can make you sweat in the depths of mid-winter, and the design tends to be as subtle as a boot in the groin. More to the point: why would you want to wear any replica shirt, skinny or otherwise?
There are a multitude of more subtle, less expensive ways to support your team without reducing yourself to pulling on clothing only an infant can get away with.
So avoid the compression shirt with built-in tape strategically placed to optimise performance... and retain a sense of dignity instead.
