The 10 Best Ways to Hide Booze on Your Body (2024)

St. Patrick's Day is upon us. As we all know, this holiday narrowly beats out Cinco de Mayo, Thanksgiving Eve, and that weekend when your boys from college come to town as the biggest drinking day of the year. But bars are so damn expensive. They put food dye in the beer and think they can charge you $15 bucks for a mug of green Bud Light. We might be drunk, sir, but please, f*ck yourself. Recession is still in effect.

If your brain makes up for the strength your wallet lacks, use those smarts and conceal alcohol on your person. It's Nature's treasure chest, your body. Whether you're hitting the bar, the parade, your boy's house, or just your favorite gutter, there's no reason to pay bar prices for alcohol. Here are the 10 best ways to hide booze on your body.

10. In a Book

Nobody reads anymore. Don't worry about it. Nobody read then either. Throughout human history, books have only been good for two things: impressing nerdy girls and, when hollowed out, storing booze. You can still do both of these things. This is why we recommend, rather than buying one of these tomes, you make one yourself. If you make your own booze book, you can tailor your choice to the anticipated crowd. Hanging out in Williamsburg? Maybe some David Foster Wallace is in order (Infinite Jest is certainly large enough, though a bit obvious). Spending your St. Pat's in Hoboken? Well, we're still trying to figure out the method for hollowing out a Speak & Spell. It's tough with all those microchips.

9. In a Smuggle Mug

The folks at Smuggle Mug are so sure you'll want to pick one of their products that they've plastered ads all over blogs and message boards that discuss sneaking booze into places booze is not meant to be (these message boards are legion, which shows you where our nation's priorities are). Even the dimmest security guard probably won't fall for this one, as it is a white plastic mug that spurts liquid into itself. But the video is pretty cool, and desperate men take desperate measures. It's cold out there.

8. In an Accessory-Shaped Flask

These guys work best in tandem. Get at least four of these things ready the night before the debauchery and weed them out depending on the forecast. No rain? Ditch the umbrella. Skipping the parade and going to the bar? Leave the binoculars at home (unless you are some kind of pervert, which is cool). Smoke free venue? Maybe lose the lighter. And if worse comes to worst, you can hide your booze in a baguette. There's never a reason you wouldn't have a baguette.

7. In Strategically-Placed Airplane Bottles

There are many places on your body where you can hide small bottles of liquor. For instance, flip an airplane bottle upside down and tuck it into your sock, near the natural divot at your ankle. Or hide a few in the folds of your ample belly. All of those are fine; this is best: Stuff some airplane bottles down your pants. Remember, proximity to junk is key. Rarely do security guards pat down the business, even when doing a thorough check. Perfect for sporting events.

King sh*t.

6. In Your Booze Belly

The Booze Belly is a product worth its weight in gold. Just wrap this sucker around your stomach, fill it with your alcohol of choice, and do the damn thing. However, don't count on picking up any chicks while wearing the contraption. Again, you have a gallon of swill attached to your stomach like a colostomy bag.

For the cheaper bastards out there, consider this grimier option: Buy a box of Franzia, remove the pouch from the box, and then duct tape it to your stomach.

5. In Her Wine Rack

There's a long, storied tradition of asking women to hold the work. See The Notorious B.I.G. on "Everyday Struggle": "I got my honey on the Amtrak / With the crack in the crack of her ass." Or Jay-Z on "Feelin' It": "To all the girls that bought a girdleto conceal my bricks." With that in mind, welcome to the future.

From the inventors of Beer Belly, we havethe Wine Rack. As seen in Playboy and on The Today Show (and we thought only Kathie Lee Gifford held that dual distinction. Meow.), this invention functions similarly to the Booze Belly, but, as with most things designed for women, won't make you look flabby and grotesque. Any lady willing to sport one of these is the kind of gal you can take home to mamma—for a lesson in self-respect. Obviously she should be transporting something with a greater potential reward, i.e. a mention in the verse of an esteemed MC.

4. In a Hand Sanitizer Dispenser

Some of you might be surprised by this one, but that just proves you poor bastards lack imagination. In fact, you don't even need booze. If you have a lighter you can distill the hand sanitizer, which is already mostly alcohol, into a liquid and drink it. Just hope you don't go blind…. Okay, maybe we have a problem. Consider this a cry for help. (Really though, empty it out, wash it good, and you've got a kiddie-sized vodka to-go distribution system. Pump, pump, pass.)

3. In a CamelBak

We know what you're thinking. The Booze Belly is a far superior invention. Wrong. The CamelBak is the better choice because it hides in plain sight. Someone letting you through security would have to think, “Man, that dude is so extreme, he's always hyrdating." Respect.

Tip: Wash it out thoroughly and as close to immediately as possible when finished, or else you won't be able to use the CamelBak for water ever again.

2. In a Flask in Your Boot

This bad-ass habit was made famous by hard-nosed folk of all stripes, from soldiers to cowboys, back in the days when America was America. And while no one seems to wear cowboy boots unironically these days, do your forefathers the honor and shove some whiskey in your shoes. It's your duty. If you're more of a Dave Matthews Band dude than a Charlie Daniel's Band dude, you might want to check out these Reef Dram Flask Sandals. For the douchebag in your life.

1. In a Water Bottle

Why is the old standby number one? Because it's a classic. What makes it even better is that everyone knows exactly what you're doing. Why does that water have a brownish tint? None of your goddamn business, officer! What makes this method better still is that you can announce your personality via the receptacle you choose. Dudes that front like they're better will choose Starbucks over McDonald's. The crunchy yoga types will fill up their Nalgene while bros will select Gatorade bottles. To each their own. As it should be.