“Falling into the pattern of fawning as a stress response can lead to internalised resentment and can erode your sense of identity.”
When it comes to reactions to danger, we’re all most likely familiar with ‘fight, flight or freeze’. These are considered the common trauma responses experienced by people when faced with a perceived threat.
In response to these types of situations, a person might react aggressively (fight), run away from the danger (flight) or become unable to move or act (freeze). But recently attention has turned to the previously lesser-known fourth response: ‘fawn‘. So what exactly is fawning?
Firstly, let’s break down what is meant by ‘trauma responses’. Trauma responses occur naturally within the body. When your body recognises a threat, both the brain and autonomic nervous system will react by releasing hormones like cortisol and adrenaline which, in turn, will trigger physical changes that help to prepare you to handle the perceived danger.
These physical changes will generally take the form of one of the aforementioned trauma responses. The trauma response of fawn – also called ‘please-and-appease’ – generally sees people develop people-pleasing behaviours to avoid conflict, often taking steps to placate the aggressor.
The term was first coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker, who wrote in his paper, The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD, that “fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others”. Fawning is commonly found in people with C-PTSD (complex PTSD) or those who have experienced childhood trauma.
As Australian activist, Grace Tame, wrote in an article for The Shot,“If a child doesn’t attach to its caregiver, nor have its needs met, it will most likely respond by suppressing its needs and identity to appease the caregiver’s needs instead… It will fawn in the vain hope of being rewarded with love. It will fawn in the vain hope that by showing love, it will receive it in return.”
It manifests as an over-reliance on others, ignoring your own needs, overly polite or agreeable behaviour, following others’ leads, people pleasing and dissociating. Fawning can be overlooked as a trauma response due to its complexity and nuance. While we can understand shutting down, running away or fighting back, the idea of ‘cosying up’ to the aggressor can feel beyond our realm of understanding.
But the reality is that many of us – particularly those belonging to marginalised communities – will engage daily in people-pleasing, fawning behaviour simply to get by. If you’ve ever laughed at a joke that was not only made at your expense but also had the undercurrent of a thinly veiled threat, simply to appease the aggressor and move the situation along, then you will understand how fawning can manifest itself as a response to danger.
However, falling into the pattern of fawning as a stress response can lead to internalised resentment and can erode your sense of identity. If you’re always looking to others as indicators for how to feel and react, it causes a disconnect from your own emotional needs.
But it can be difficult to unlearn a behaviour that’s both deeply ingrained and intertwined with our sense of safety. While therapy is the best course of action, there are other steps you can take that can assist in overcoming fawning behaviour.
Psychologists agree it’s important to learn to set boundaries with others, perhaps beginning with those you feel safe with in order to ease yourself into this behaviour. Those who engage in fawning behaviour would also benefit from learning how to utilise delegation, as this can help them to understand that it doesn’t always come down to them to take care of others.
It’s also helpful to get back in touch with your own emotions. Reconnecting with your own needs, wants and beliefs is important for those with fawning responses as it will assist in prompting them to put themselves first when necessary. Above all, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Modifying your behaviour takes time and it takes empathy.
For more on fawning, try this.
Understanding trauma responses is key to comprehending the impact of stress on our behavior. The fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses elucidate our reactions to perceived threats. The fawn response, a relatively recent addition to this framework, involves a pattern of people-pleasing behavior to avoid conflict, often seen in individuals with complex PTSD or those who've experienced childhood trauma.
Trauma responses trigger hormonal releases like cortisol and adrenaline, preparing the body to tackle danger. Fawning, termed 'please-and-appease,' was coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker. This response involves merging with others' wishes to seek safety, commonly resulting in an over-reliance on others, ignoring one's needs, excessive agreeability, and dissociation.
Grace Tame highlighted in an article that children facing neglect or unmet needs often suppress their identities to appease caregivers, fostering fawning behavior in the hopes of receiving love. This response, while complex, often goes unnoticed due to its subtlety compared to the more overt reactions like fight or flight.
Fawning behavior, prevalent in marginalized communities, involves actions like laughing at one's expense to pacify an aggressor. However, consistently fawning can lead to internal resentment and a loss of self-identity. Unlearning this behavior, deeply ingrained for safety, requires setting boundaries, learning to prioritize one's emotions and needs, and gradually reestablishing a connection with oneself.
Therapy is the primary recommendation, but self-help measures include boundary-setting, practicing delegation, reconnecting with personal emotions, needs, and beliefs, and showing self-compassion throughout this transformative process.
