by NATALIE | Sep 21, 2010 | Letting Go | 74 comments
Tags: Activation, assclowns, chemistry, , codependency, common interests in relationships, feeling addicted to someone, power in relationships, shame, The No Contact Rule
I listen to people talk about their relationships a lot, and whether they’re waxing lyrical about how great the other person is and signposting conversations with ‘key selling points’ about them, or lamenting the loss of a relationship, they all have ‘hooks’ that form the basis of what ties them to the person and their perception of the relationship.
Much like how we use our beliefs to basically create a ‘story’ of why we are and are not capable of something, the purpose of ‘hooks’ are to act as conscious and subconscious ‘stories’ that we tell ourselves as to why we are with someone, why we think we feel so much for someone, and why we struggle to let go of the relationship.
These ‘hooks’ are what you will cling to as reasons to:
1) feel attracted to them,
2) justify your emotional and sexual investment in them,
3) to put them on a pedestal,
4) make excuses for them,
5) yo-yo back and forth when you struggle to let the relationship go…even when you should.
I’m always fascinated by descriptions (also excuses) that, for instance, readers give of their Mr Unavailables and assclowns. They talk about how powerful they are, good looking, great in bed, good at their job, authoritative, spontaneous, shares the same interests, liked by everyone, goes to church, kind to old ladies, loves animals, runs their own company, has a few kids, tall, sexy, enigmatic, has a heap of problems, misunderstood, and yada, yada, yada. I immediately get a sense of what hooks these people into their relationships, and I can assure you, it’s rarely anything to do with shared values, the meat of healthy, sustainable relationships.
Hooks will become your ‘blind spots’ because they affect your ability to see the person in their entirety because you instead, allow these hooks to carry so much weight that they distort your perception of the relationship, them and even you.
They will cause you to verbally and mentally say ‘But….’
But he’s so busy at work.
But he’s got a lot of issues he needs to deal with.
But he’s so good looking….so no wonder he struggles to commit himself to me.
But she’s been hurt before.
But she’s so beautiful.
But he’s so amazing in bed and I’ve never had that connection with someone else.
But he ‘gets’ me.
While the ‘hooks’ are true to an extent, they’re often exaggerated either in terms of the ‘greatness’ of the hook (But he’s such a Good Man) or the relative importance to the relationship (He’s so powerful) and some of them, when put to the test are misplaced assumptions that don’t hold up to the harsh realities.
As I’ve explained before about how people use their own interpretations of compatibility, ‘type’, and common interests and often ‘hook’ themselves on inconsequential stuff that adds little or no value to the actual relationship, the reason that this happens is because we consciously and subconsciously make assumptions about people based on what we believe someone who possesses some of the key qualities and characteristics that we think are attractive will be or do.
We latch or ‘hook’ ourselves onto something and then based on being attracted to it, we correlate it to the rest of the person and assume that they will possess other qualities and characteristics that someone we believe is ‘right’ for us will possess.
Of course this is a blind and misguided assumption because, for instance, it’s wonderful that you both share an interest in hang gliding, eating fois gras, reading high brow books, and reading The Times, but this doesn’t mean that they are ‘the same’ as you, or that they share the same values, or even that they’re a decent person. It doesn’t mean that they are able to commit or emotionally available.
The trouble comes if you cloak yourself in illusions and allow yourself to be hijacked by your assumptions and are not actually sanity checking them against the reality of who the person is.
You will love and trust blindly and be so embedded with the ‘hooks’ that it will be difficult to see the wood for the trees.
Key Hooks:
Status – Position, standing, popularity, fame, money, authority, power. You perceive your status to increase in their presence, so of course, letting them go will cause you to feel diminished. You’re the type of person that will also say stuff like ‘But he’s a Good Man’ even if he hasn’t treated you very well.
Security – Money, family, perceived ability to commit, their presence, having a title. You convince yourself that whatever it is that you think that they bring to the relationship or give you the ability to have, that you can’t do without them.
Sex & Passion – Drama, spontaneity, excitement, great in bed, sexual chemistry and attraction, ‘best you’ve ever had’ syndrome. You’re the type of person that could feel hooked on someone and believe they are right for you based on instant attraction. Even though you may complain about it, you like the up and down of the relationship, the ‘drugs’ that make you feel like you’re on a high.
Pain & Problems (Sympathy & Control) – They put you on a pedestal. When you see that they are in pain or have issues, you feel needed and see the opportunity to fix, heal, and help.
Propensity (or lack of) to Commit – You’re either eager for commitment and don’t really care who it comes from, you just want to be in a relationship. Or…the moment that you realise that they’re not commitment material is the more interested and pseudo committed you are.
Disinterest & Rejection – You feel most drawn to a person when their interest is not returned or they cause you to feel rejected in the relationship. The less they want you, the more convinced you are that you want them.
Appearance – You base your perception of them on superficial stuff that you use as a basis to make assumptions about their suitability as a partner. You’re the type of person that could be blinded by beauty.
Validation & Righteousness – Positioning yourself in situations where you let yourself be reliant on them for confirmation of your worthiness. Or you’re the type of person that likes to be right and will die on your sword trying to prove your rightness, rather than leave things be.
Plans – They talk about things that they would like to do with you and even when they don’t materialise, you feel invested in the relationship because you talked about these plans and you want them to be delivered. It’s like ‘Only people who are serious about you talk about plans so they must have been serious about me so I’m going to make these plans happen because they said so’.
Interest – They showed you interest so you feel compelled to return the interest, feeling near grateful for it.
Connection – Sex, common interests, sense of humour, similar jobs, backgrounds, childhoods.
Fantasy – Getting caught up in having the relationship in your head. Certain things trigger your propensity to fantasise and get hijacked by your imagination. You get hooked when you really can create something in your head.
Regret – Trapped in blame and shame, you obsess about them and the relationship which is basically looking for reasons to blame yourself for why they don’t want you.
It’s important to know what your ‘hook’ is because in knowing what your blind spot is, you immediately become aware of where you need to be more realistic and conscious to ensure that you don’t put yourself at risk by loving and trusting blindly around these areas. The best thing you can do is see beyond the ‘hook’ and assess the truth of it.
Is this thing that you attribute so much weight to, really that important? Does it actually exist? In real terms, how much does this ‘hook’ benefit you and the relationship?
Much like I say with common interests and other superficial things that we often wax lyrical about, it is all about what these things actually add to the relationship.
Unless whatever it is that ‘hooks’ you to this person actually positively impacts you and the overall relationship in the medium and long-term, there’s basically no point in going on about it.
If what hooks you to someone is basically something negative that impacts on your self-esteem and the ability to have a healthy relationship with boundaries, shared values, and love, care, trust, and respect, you need to kick the habit and address the source of the negativity so that you can unhook yourself.
One of the easiest ways to unhook yourself – take them off their pedestal and put them on the same level as you and see them as a whole, not just the things that suit you. See them with their good points and bad points, flaws and everything and assess the realities and genuine importance of the things that bind you – you may find that when you stop focusing on one or a few things and start seeing them as a whole, that you recognise what they are and are not capable of.
I remember one of my ‘hooks’ with the guy with the girlfriend was ‘connection’. Like a lot of Fallback Girls, I couldn’t stop going on about what an amazing connection we had and convinced myself I’d never love again. That connection kept me going back until I started looking at it a lot more closely. We weren’t actually great friends (I’d hope a friend would treat me a lot better), the sex while it was great wasn’t worth feeling like I did (sex without the rest of what makes a relationship healthy is like shagging a hollowman), while we had some shared background and I felt sorry for him, it was all too One Time in Bandcamp and he took no responsibility for his actions, and actually, after thinking that we had so much in common, we really had very little in common.
Hooks have you exaggerating the importance of these things to you. If you reflect on them and have an honest conversation with yourself, you’ll stop giving so much weight to them and unhook yourself. If you’re going to hold on to something or someone, at least hold on to them in reality and for reasons that you can foster a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship out of. Anything else is surplus to requirements and will have you cloaking yourself in denial, and that gets you nowhere. Don’t give someone more power than they have and certainly not more power than they’ve earned.
Your thoughts?
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Grace on at 10:09 pm
Oh Natalie how you have hit the nail on the head.
When I described my ex AC to my counsellor I was suddenly struck by how SHALLOW I sounded. All I could say was that he was good looking, popular and very nice to me for about three months. I don’t see myself as shallow and yet I fell hook, line and sinker for someone for the most dubious reasons.
Why oh why don’t I look for what I look for in a friend – honesty, trustworthiness, reliability, integrity? Someone who treats other people decently? Who treats me decently? Who is interested in me? Maybe it’s not exciting enough? But is there anything more boring than waiting for an AC to come good?
I really do have a lot of thinking to do.Cat on at 10:58 pm
The more I stay NC, the more I realize that the status of my ex held some sway over me and that I wanted to continue to perform with him and that was probably my largest hook apart from the fact that he fostered my emotional dependency on him.
I had him on a bit of a pedestal and there were a lot of opportunities in staying with him, but on the other hand, the price was way too great and so not worth it in the end.
Due to his status and him being lost in his status, I also realized that I was with an ultimately uncaring (unless things went his way), manipulative and controlling borderline narcissist. I know see that one of the very things that attracted me to him in the first place, was also part of his biggest problem – EGO.
I thought he was supposed to be a good guy because he had a degree in Buddhist Psychology and had all kinds of Buddhist things on his walls. I now see that one’s spirituality can have little impact on one’s personality disorder in the end.
Ultimately, the more I stay away from him, the less I care what he is doing talent wise and that I won’t be able to participate it anymore. I know that I am going to actually go further with my own performance art (or at least enjoy it more,) now that I am no longer in this stagnant and toxic relationship.
I have learned that famous and talented people can be serious emotional losers too and that just because someone shines and everyone thinks well of them, does not mean they are not assholes in private.
trinity on at 11:57 pm
I also realized that I was with an ultimately uncaring (unless things went his way), manipulative and controlling borderline narcissist.
Amen!!!!! i was very blind and thought my x was sooooo caring, such a nice person, a great guy.
That is only if things were his way!!!!
As soon as they were not he was the most uncaring, manipulative, controlling and calculating person.
I learnt the hard way its not what they say, its what they do and my x’s word pretty much never matched up to his actions.
Inconsistant and confusing, at best. Someone you cant count on.JJ2 on at 5:58 pm
From @Trinity: “I also realized that I was with an ultimately uncaring (unless things went his way), manipulative and controlling borderline narcissist.”
BINGO! That is what I had. A manipulative, controlling, borderline narcissist. The day I left, despite telling him over and over, “I’m leaving because you did or didn’t do such and such,” he still thought I was leaving for other reasons, and not because of issues with him…….
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Cat on at 8:27 pm
Your replies remind me that one of the largest hooks for me was trying to figure out if some dynamic or another was really going on and if I should or should not be upset about the dynamic. Was it me being too sensitive or ruining a good thing? Did this or that really happen? Did he really lie or was it just me? Was I really this awful person who had accused him “of all sorts of things” when I confronted him on things that really bothered me? The insanity of trying to figure things out and doubting myself was a major hook. The problem with a borderline narcissist is that it’s hard to know for sure – until much time has passed and you are finally out of there.
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findingmyself on at 10:25 pm
JJ2 said: “BINGO! That is what I had. A manipulative, controlling, borderline narcissist. The day I left, despite telling him over and over, “I’m leaving because you did or didn’t do such and such,” he still thought I was leaving for other reasons, and not because of issues with him…….”
I had to comment on your statement JJ2, even after multiple times of walking away from the relationship (only to get hooked back in), every time I broke it off, he would say “you must have someone else”,,yeah, like i had time or energy for someone else. The sad thing was I didn’t realize he was reflecting HIS actions onto me. HE had someone else!! He is/was a narcissist to the bone.
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trinity on at 11:22 pm
From @ Cat
Exactly the same thing here and its very confusing at the time. In actual fact i found that once i moved on all the things he accused me of he was actually doing, not me! Even the reasons he gave for leaving, the reasons were actually stuff he was doing or created, not me! I think its called taking NO responsability for your own actions, not connecting the dots on how what they do ultimatly affects the partner. Which I think is also called LACK OF EMPATHY. I think people with lack of empathy are truly scary and not someone i ever want to encounter again.
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NML on at 4:56 pm
Cat, this is exactly why NC is so effective. Distance gives objectivity. When you’re too close to the heat source, all that smoke will get in the way. This man is playacting at being a decent man. Signposting himself with that Buddhist stuff but not actually having Buddhist ways – this is why actions must always match words so that you can spot the disconnect.
JJ2 on at 5:34 am
If “Distance gives objectivity,” then why did it take seven freaking months for me to get over the A/C? He lives on the other side of the country from me, so when I left, I had to drive the 2800 miles back to my home. Well, at least I had a home to drive back to. But it still took 7 freaking months for me to get over it.
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Trinity on at 11:50 pm
@JJ2, NC allows you to take control and heal but its not a quick fix to getting over someone, unfortunetly.
NC does not stop you from going through the grief process. BUT imagine if you didnt do NC then you would be back and forth and getting confused and stalling the healing process altogether 🙂
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Cat on at 9:30 pm
Natalie, “spotting the disconnect” is a lot easier and clearer if done earlier on as opposed to floundering in “cognitive dissonance” because you not only failed to do the former, but you failed to admit it.
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SpeeInspace on at 11:20 pm
Grace I love that comment at the end.
I’ve finally met up for a few dates with a lovely man, who really could have a million excuses, yet, goes out of his way to see me as much as he can.. demonstrates his values… and shows he IS interested – he works abroad, but calls, e-mails regularly and when he says he will, is going to come back here a week earlier, so he can see me etc. His kisses didn’t seem as exciting as the guy I’ve had 4 dates with over 3 months. The guy I’ve had little other contact with apart from IMing – making it difficult to see if he had the same values or where we were going. I finally said ‘I was looking for a relationship with a guy that wanted that too and this clearly wasn’t him’. He’s never been nasty or anything in fact the opposite, just seemed to be happy to leave things for weeks, never rearrange cancelled dates, stuff like that. He then said I’d KO’d him by saying that????? and I’ve had heard even less from him since.
Grace what you’ve said at the end puts it in perspective perfectly, “But is there anything more boring than waiting for an AC to come good?” Robin on at 1:41 am
“Is there anything more boring than waiting for an AC to come good?”
That is so true. I would like to add that I waited for one that DID come around, but you’ll find that oftentimes when they do come around, you’ve probably moved on. Or worse: they supposedly “came around” for a few months only to go back to normal, or they finally did what you wanted them to do only to manage to violate a whole new set of your boundaries.
findingmyself on at 10:29 pm
Yes Robyn! They don’t stay “turned around” for very long. It’s always short lived. The thing was it was only a false self, someone they became to get you to stick around a feed them a bit longer. How many times do we need to see that full circle come around before we realize that’s NOT who they are!!??
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Robin on at 3:09 am
@finding myself: LOL well for me, it will be many many times. I am *finally* starting to get a sense of reality, that we have different values, but there’s some aspect about it that involves me that I don’t really want to admit and accept yet….which is the possibility that I may have moved on already. And the need to cling on to the past and believe everything was fine before and hit a reset button to make everything okay….I think you just helped me to find out what my hook at the moment is.
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NML on at 4:46 pm
“But is there anything more boring than waiting for an AC to come good?” Love that line Grace.
What you’re describing in your comment is a prime example of why we should actually slow down a little and listen to ourselves. When we’re with these people, we rarely ask ourselves why we’re actually attracted to them and if we say it out loud, like you say, it can sound shallow and odd. When this happens, it’s a sign that you really don’t know the person very well and that if you do, or you think you do, they must be a very shallow pool.
Bev on at 10:32 pm
Before I read this post I was thinking about this tonight and it was a frightening realisation when I heard myself explaining what made me stay/reluctant to leave. My ex was very successful, financially ok, physically strong, could be aggressive, standoffish in character and people didn’t often get close to him or challenge him. What did I get? I thought I got someone who would protect me from any other man or physical harm, would rescue me if I ever needed it – he was physically strong, would provide a good home that would support a family, money wouldn’t be a worry enabling me to have a good quality of life for me and my kids (not that I have any yet). I thought because I had managed to penetrate his hard exterior I must have or be something really special and magical about me and also because this successful man chose me from all the other women w r o n g.wrongwrong. once he had gone (several times – he also mentally and physically abused me) I felt I lost everything and I was a piece of crap. Where were my own resources? Why was I depending on him for my future, protection etc? Also, I am aware I may feel no-one else may live up to his success or strength – so here I see what I am attracted to detracts from my own need to be strong and self or equally sufficient. oh dear. i have some work to do!
Grace on at 11:04 pm
Yes, sometimes we are attracted to a quality we would like for ourselves. I was so shy at school and not at all popular, and have gravitated towards “shiny”, good looking popular boys (yes I say “boys” rather than “men”). They have turned out to be quite shallow and narcissistic, unsurprisingly.
But now I am working on developing my own friendships (I had got very lonely from all the relocating I have done and from being with ACs), I go out a lot more and even joined a women’s football team. I’m 45 so it’s never too late to go out there and make your life better – by yourself and for yourself.
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Cat on at 2:39 am
Grace – I’ve wasted a lot of years, but at 44, I am grateful that I think I “really” get it this time and won’t do the same thing again. I think I can finally say that for sure. I just try not to beat myself up for not learning my lessons sooner. However, better late than never and I think it’s all grist for the mill of life. As someone said to me, “There was the life I learned and now the life I am living.”
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NML on at 4:49 pm
Great comment Bev. As women, we’ve often been conditioned to seek security in men. I always say that to prevent yourself from being in dangerous relationships, don’t ask of someone what you cannot and are not doing for yourself. Anything you do think that someone is, make sure that whatever you think they are, that it is applicable in the context of your relationship. Personal security is a wonderful thing because when you have it, around people like your ex, you will recognise their dark side and back away. Take care of yourself and be thankful you see him for what he is.
Holly on at 10:54 pm
Having started counselling sessions to deal with my inability to commit and ergo attract EUMs, it occurred to me this week that I have a pattern of holding onto relationships long after they’ve passed their sell by dates. I continued to make excuses for my last three boyfriends as to why things weren’t right: he was stressed at work/he had to sort out his divorce/he had to sort out his career.
I worked out that I wasted over five years of my life waiting for things to get better in all of those relationships. I am working so hard to reinforce your messages on here and I am getting there slowly. It won’t give me back those years but I am hopeful that it will stop me wasting any more.
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NML on at 4:51 pm
Hi Holly. You’re working on breaking your pattern and now that you are aware, it’s actually very difficult to repeat it to the same extent. You also know what your weak spot is with your hooks so you know the area where you need to be very grounded and vigilant.
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Robin on at 10:56 pm
I would also include guilt in the “Regret” category. Sometimes you feel like you were at fault for the end of the relationship, when in fact other factors caused its demise as well, and you want to hit the Easy button (from Staples lol!) so that you can start over and learn from your mistakes….with the same relationship.
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Minky on at 9:29 am
@Robin, you just said it all: wanting to start over and learn from your mistakes – with the SAME relationship. Yep, yep, yep!!
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NML on at 4:53 pm
Hi Robin. Absolutely and guilt is how blame and shame come about. It’s only when you disentangle yourself and recognise that you’re both separate entities that you recognise that it is impossible for you to be entirely responsible for the success or failure of a relationship. I thought it was incredibly on point what you said about learning from your mistakes with the same relationship. Unfortunately, you can’t learn their mistakes and sort out their contribution.
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DMN on at 10:57 pm
Natalie, I can’t tell whether you are actually a genius or whether I just think you are because you seem literally to be chanelling thoughts that are in my head. I’m becoming a big fan….. American women need more of your perspective.
– Male, New York, US.
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Cat on at 2:35 am
I would say she is a genius in that she can articulate her insights and knowledge into a very powerful, accessible presentation that actually helps people get things for maybe the first time. I always had these ideas in my head and knew better on a gut level, but I never had any real clarity, encouragement, and confidence to sort it all out until now.
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NML on at 4:53 pm
Wow thanks DMN! I’m very flattered.
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findingmyself on at 11:00 pm
When I read what Natalie wrote “It’s important to know what your ‘hook’ is “.. and after reading the list I thought to myself, I see what all my hookS were, I had every one on that list with my ex AC…OUCH! Now that I have gone NC, it is much easier to see those hooks –which I was aware of a couple of them. And all of those “hooks” kept me drawn into the relationship with him, even though my gut was telling me loud and clear that this man was not really for me, that we would never really work out if things went further. But, I tried to convince myself based on all the hooks that I loved him even though he lied to me, cheated on me, promised a future, and I thought his “love” for me was based on his attraction to me.
Once again Natalie, you nailed it!
Cat on at 2:31 am
It’s interesting to think of these things we are attracted to, for whatever reason, as hooks. When we are in the midst of it all, all we can think of is how deep our needs are for what they have and romanticize it and put SO much importance on it all. And in the end, we are “hooked” like addicts and can’t see the forest for the trees. I fully believe now that my last tango with the ex narcissist was a good one, because I finally get that I need to fill my life up myself and then someone else is a nice compliment, not a necessity for one thing or another.
findingmyself on at 9:37 am
Yes Cat, SO true! Looking at all the cycles of the relationship, and how every time it was “over” I would break down just to go back for more of the same, I was an addict. The sad thing is the addiction was to go back for more of the same bad treatment! I must say, it feels SO liberating to be rid of the addiction to the N. It took many years of my life, but this is one experience I have grown from; and learned more about life than an other experience in my life.
jenny on at 4:49 pm
Findingmyself, being NC for over 3 months, I too feel liberated. Although I still have bad days, maybe we could call them cravings (just like an addict) for the AC, I get through them and feel to so much lighter at the end of the day. No more worrying every second of the day, no more crying, no more waiting for the rug to get pulled out from under me. I used to tell my ex that the relationship felt much like walking through a minefield. I can feel proud of myself instead of looking at myself in the mirror and saying “What is wrong with me”, like I used to.
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Cat on at 8:12 pm
I like the idea of the bad days as a day of having cravings for the things and ideals that had us hooked in the first place. I have bad days too – it’s a real roller coaster, but it’s better than all the confusion and feeling addicted to something that was quite possibly killing me with stress but enough good to hang in there – like dead meat on a hook.
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findingmyself on at 10:37 pm
OH I couldn’t agree more! I am getting stronger each day. I think of him less and less. Prior to the final break, I would tell him that I didn’t want to speak to him anymore, of course he would suck me back in with a text or an email, and I would fall for it. NOT ANYMORE! Of course, reading here our relationship can’t help but cross my mind, but it is such a good feeling to not have that pinning for him as I read and now I am N free!! I’m sure I have not heard the last of him, but he sure has heard the last from me! That feels SOOO good!!
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Aimee on at 2:59 am
Hi findingmyself/cat – my last email to my AC said “I finally know the truth about you – that is so liberating!!!” And it truly was and is. I’m sure he did not know what to think (he did send a couple cruel emails after that-which I did not respnd to). I am now 15 days no contact and no longer feel insane from his crazy making promises, hot/cold, in/out of the relationship.
Still sad – but grief can be messy. I found myself sad today that I will never receive anther email from him (blocked his email address) but I would rather feel that than going back to the crazy making feelings when I am with (or without him – in/out/in/out). You get my drift.
Findingmyself – not sure if you saw my post – I am in the US – Colorado – maybe someday we could have coffee – would love it!
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sm on at 11:06 pm
I get all of the above, and that we sometimes have an amazing ability to try to fill our gaps with someone else, how we are unsure of how we will be without them as they bring, financial stability, status, acceptance etc but what about if you genuinely just miss someone, no matter how much you try to intellectualise your responses to them…..
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Lesley Binnie on at 6:38 pm
sm,yes I understand what you are saying and where you are…Of course you just miss them because you have been training yourself to only see the good bits for a while..and there may be good or even great bits to your relationship that you can sift out and cling to. For me, it took a long long time to stop missing my AC and what I was really missing was how I would define myself if the relationship did not exist…
He truly did not care, he was not in the same relationship as I was…this article points out the justifications/hooks that we use to stay put. I used these hooks and as a direct result suffered acute pain continuously in my relationship…
I think you’ve got to ‘live with missing ‘for a while as an answer to your question.
True No Contact(rather than pretend, rather than rationalising why you had to contact!) helped me,being good to myself,rediscovering my old lifestyle/friends/eating and cooking food I loved/getting professional help/ exercising/change of job. I did all this. Then…. I began to intellectualise. You can only think things through rationally when you have returned to yourself,when you are beginning to know who you are and what you want again. You will perhaps get to solution of how you want your future life and relationships to be?. I’m striving for that at moment and despite the odd setback,doing well. Move forward , be easy on yourself .xxx
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Movedup on at 11:19 pm
UHG! “Pain & Problems (Sympathy & Control) – They put you on a pedestal. When you see that they are in pain or have issues, you feel needed and see the opportunity to fix, heal, and help.” OUCH – that stings. This follows on beautifully from yesterday dealing with the ExMutual Friend. If the ExEUM called for help with his legal problems and I would have slammed the phone down but she can play me. I can see where she plays wounded and blows hot smoke up my bum – puts me on a pedestal cause I am soooo smart and the only one she can turn too! Hook, line and sinker she’s got me as fallback girl and much like the ExEUM/AC she gets what she wants and blows cold. WOW I can see it in guys but girlfriends is a whole new vision to me. I never thought of it that way. SHE IS just like the ExEUM/AC – she is an EUW/AC. The relationship does not need to be sexual to be dysfunctional and unhealthy. No wonder they get along so well. I still have alot to learn thats obvious. She acts the same way – take the romantic/love relationship out of it and she fits the description of an EUW/AC to a T. Why did I not see that before. You don’t have to have sex with them for them to screw you over. Armed with new insight I will treat her the same – no more free rides here for her – I refuse to pay the price. Its far too high. As you have said before Nat – When there is a choice to make – I choose me.
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trinity on at 11:47 pm
Hi Nat,
This is just what I needed to hear today, timing is perfect.
Why just this morning while getting ready I found myself feeling angry, obsessing and running over things in my head again. I started thinking, god im so sick of this why am I still obsessing after 1 year?
Although I have moved on a lot and I am making constant changes, learning, growing and achievements I don’t feel happy with my lack of contentment. I started thinking what has me still at this point, is it that I work with him so closely? Is it still unanswered questions? Then your email popped up 🙂 As soon as I read the title and saw the words HOOKS I thought, wow great timing.
My hooks are:
Plans, this one really hurt me. It had been so long since anyone had really wanting to plan with me and make a future. Part of me still can’t believe I was fed so much what I see now as bullsh*t. My head can’t get around someone making arrangements to move out, save, 5 year plans, trips and involving me in every aspect of his life and family then dropping it all over nothing.
Connection, of course 🙂 off the stuff we had in common.
Security, im only realising in the last few months that hey? Why can’t I do these things for myself, why can’t I still have that 5 year plan for me? After all history has shown me that if I keep waiting to do it with someone special, well, sadly it won’t ever freaking happen.
And the big one regret!!! Trapped in blame and shame, you obsess about them and the relationship which is basically looking for reasons to blame yourself for why they don’t want you.
I have to constantly remind myself to see him as he really is, that im o.k., that I did nothing wrong and that im very lovable. I have to remind myself that the treatment he gave does not equal what I deserve or how lovable I am. I constantly use a mantra of “how other people treat me usually says way more about them, the type of person they are then it ever does of me”
I think another one to watch out for is something I only realise a few months back. That’s forming a connection over past troubles, if you had a similar background of hurt whether that is childhood, relationships or anything else. It can create this false connection/bond if things like that are discussed to early in the relationship. It can blind you to a lot of other things to do with this person. You can also blindly think if this person has the same background as me then they will not hurt me and they understand me, we will be kind to each other.
Of course this rarely happens and when that person hurts you in the same way you have discussed it can feel like real harsh betrayal.How can someone hurt me in that way when they no what ive been through and they no how it feels??!!??
It’s like way to much intimacy to early on.
Obviously things like this do come up, but you should discuss these things once you have a good understanding of who the person is, once you have built some foundation and trust has been established BUT it should not be used as a way to connect, it leaves you way to blind and open to hurt.
Thanks again Nat, this is great article which great tools to use 🙂
Very empowering!!
Have a great day everyone!!! Fearless on at 11:50 pm
Good post. Timely for me. I have work to do! Once I’ve figured out why I am hooked (that won’t take long!), how do you get unhooked?
Reminds me of something I heard years ago: “charming” is not something he is, it’s something he does.
(for some reason that always stuck in my mind – but did I heed the message… no…!)
We often say he IS this or he is that… when actually we are describing something he does, not something he is…it’s important not always read good actions as good character.
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findingmyself on at 3:50 pm
Fearless, Dead on girl! ““charming” is not something he is, it’s something he does. ” How true, how true! Never heard that one before, that one will stick!
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Lesley Binnie on at 5:47 pm
Hi Fearless, yes good call’charming’ can be a contrived attitude…give a sort of halo effect we fall for…also I ‘ve found in the same vein that ‘Direct’ is not the same as ‘Honest’. A guy can come across as assertive, knowing his own mind, decisive about communicating but it’s not the same as consistent honesty. He could be giving you bullsh*t in a decisive manner! Thats one I always look out for now…..
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Aimee on at 12:22 am
Thank you so much for this forum. it has helped me so much in the last week. What a great article! I have lots of pondering and self-analysis to do with this one!.
“Don’t give someone more power than they have and certainly not more power than they’ve earned.” Love it!! I hate it when I give MY POWER away – so this article will be very revealing for me and where I give my power away.
A couple I have aready figured out.
1) Treats others decently – his friends, neighbors, homeless – Wow I was mesmorized – but then he could not treat me as well as the neighbors – blew me away. Has not seen his son in almost 4 years.
2) Slept with his rosary under his pillow – but lies, drinks/drugs but only saw the rosary and how he would go to church sporadically.
3) I too had the “shallow” stuff – handsome, popular (the popular boy from high school finally noticed me – 28 yrs later – hahaha), thought I knew him, good paying job, owned his own house, creative, gorgeous garden, good cook. Everyone thinks he’s such a “good” guy.
4) His good self-esteem – which later reared it’s ugly head as BIG EGO! All his ex’s want him back – telling me all the girls have a crush on me. YUCK!
5) One Time in Band Practice – chronic pain patient from neck surgeries – ex-wife died in tragic accident 17 yrs ago when he was trying get her back (still calls her his wife).
All I can say is denial, denial, denial – ain’t just a river in Egypt!
I, like Holly – hold on to relationships long past the expiration date – I think fear of failure and rejection. Again giving my power away.
One of my favorites (among many) – he said he wanted to be there for my mom’s funeral, then didn’t show up the day of, had me come to his house after, held me for 5 mins until his buddies showed up, than I had to go find him, no flowers or sympathy card. A few months later he said “I know why God put me in your life, so I could be there for you when your mom died.” My reply “was you haven’t been, my friends are the ones who have been there for me.” But I stayed – will work on that one for a while – I have lots of work to do!!
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findingmyself on at 6:50 pm
Aimee!! Just wanted to say, glad you saw my post 🙂 Didn’t know if you would or not. And keep up the good work, girl! You can do it, you are doing it, and you are SO much better for it (and without AC). Hugs sweetie!
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MaryC on at 12:54 am
Nat thank you once again for making think.
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jen on at 1:04 am
wow NAT, what a great article, just checking in once in a while and it’s never a waste. Love it.
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Graeme on at 12:32 am
I think this is a remarkable post, Natalie. You outlined many key points here, from the side of men and women. It’s difficult to take someone off of the pedestal though, often you need a break where you don’t speak to them for a long time in order to gain that perspective. It’s tricky, and I believe that in every relationship, even very healthy ones, there are always “hooks” that cause problems and create very subtle power-struggles. And you hit the nail on the head by saying that you need to find out which ones actually contribute to the relationship as a whole, and then just go of putting concern into the rest – they’re irrelevant as far as the relationship goes.
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Aplus on at 9:20 am
You sure know how to take a topic and hit the nail on the head. This is really a great blog. We all go through differant phases in our relationships, sometimes easier than others, but we handle it. But the things you pointed out is sure to help the people that are in that rut phase.
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Minky on at 9:41 am
The Pain & Sympathy one is definitely mine, and the ‘connection’ and the ‘blame and shame’. It’s hard being put on a pedestal and then knocked off again, to be no longer needed. Validation, validation, validation. And part of me STILL wants him to crawl up to me and admit that he’s the world’s biggest pr*ck! Oh dear – still some work to do!
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debra on at 8:51 am
Natalie – Another thought provoking post and timely. You seem to be able to intuit what so many of your readers are thinking. I have been thinking alot about what you have been saying about shared values and how that is the corner stone of a healthy relationship, not the hooks (great metaphor). What you describe is what we scientists call analagous argument – saying that because two things share trait A and B, they must also share traits C and D, even when they don’t (its the weakest type of argument and one that inevitably gets shot down). I am so guilty of this, its embarrassing. I let the hooks suck me in, keep me putting up with nonsense and investing long past the point when I should. I thought what I felt and wanted, he felt and wanted because we have the same job and background and interests. Once I was no contact for a while, the AC came crashing off the pedastal, the illusions faded and I stopped hurting because I stopped expecting anything from him but more AC behaviour. I saw his character (or lack thereof) for what it was, not just how cute and fun he was. Your list of hooks are spot on and a few even explain why it was so hard to let go, even after his pedastal collapsed. For the past week, I have finally been feeling free – no obsessive thoughts, not thinking about him at all. It feels glorious to finally be off the hook.
Never stop doing what you do.
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Dianna on at 11:15 am
Hi all,
Great post.. what stood out for me in this one is those who mentioned the ‘successful and popular’ hooks (Cat, Aimee). I was thinking about how my enigma was Mr Popularity and would always have people around him every time I spoke to him making me feel oh so unimportant, but then had to laugh – he PAYS these people. Employees, wives or ex’s or whatever they are, every single one is financially dependent on him so of course they’d stroke his ego.
He actually turned 50 soon after I met him and from his ‘status’ thought he’d have heaps of people wanting to celebrate it with him but there was no celebration at all apart from what I ended up doing with him and I’d known him just over a week! (his mum rang him and the kids gave him gift cards and that was it). He is actually poor when it comes to genuine love, care, friendship, time for people – all the things we here have buckets of!
For me the biggest hook was the promise of a baby (and its already came and went) and am still massively hooked on this one.
It’s interesting, again for those who mentioned the ‘success’ of their EU/ACs, they are often highly special people but who are lonely or weird in their high towers and then throw our lives around when we join them. Mine could sell ice to eskimos so it’s probably no surprise that he spoke my language and hooked me in to make me believe I could have what I wanted, not necessarily saying that he wasn’t up for it to at least some extent, but that for someone like him the hooks are EASY to create (“tell her what she wants to hear” – in my case he just left out a lot of details that would have raised the sincerity level).
It’s amazing what we’ll do to ‘move up in the world’ though to be attracted to these people, and what we put up with, all that glitters is not gold, often its just dust! In fact for someone with a multimillion dollar company he was quite tight with money, and I’ll bet others here who thought they were going to get lifestyle trappings never really saw anything come of it! Much better to create from your own steam I think, what I was doing before I met him and got bamboozled.
I also found a very interesting link that narcissists (elitists) create codependents and basically hook us into needing them … check it out, it’s a great read about how we feed into each other and can feel so sucked dry when they inevitably go: . It’s time to find who we are again! Cheers, Dianna left wondering on at 3:59 pm
I believe my hooks to be Connection, Fantasy and Regret.
I have been so spun out by the lying behavior of my Ex AC (really, he is not my ex because he was NEVER really mine)! He lied to me in a way that no one had ever before. I have found myself thinking thoughts of “why me?” and felt at times I did something wrong, and admit that my thoughts are obessessive and I have spent time and energy trying to understand his motives. He lied to me about his finances, made himself seem like he was something he was not from the get go, he was projecting a false self. He had gambling issues and managed his money poorly too I later learned. He was married and knew that I would never even speak to him if I known the truth. How is that my fault? how does that equate to something being wrong with me?
I fell in love and blindly trusted him due to familiarity from 20 years ago, and gave him my love and everything he asked for from me, although he gave me nothing to back up his love and promises in the here and now. I did not have my feet in reality, and maybe if I did- I would of seen some of the red flags that I am seeing now as I look back on it all. I was willing to love him “unconditionally” and without boundaries because I believed everything he said. I never doubted him. It was hard to accept he was lying to me, sometimes I still find myself using the word “if” because I still can’t believe the deceit.
I am slowly coming out of the fog of heartbreak and dissapointment and I have felt so rejected. I still find my thoughts going back to all these questions, when simply HE WAS STILL MARRIED, he lied and manipulated me for whatever his reasons were. It’s so insane for me to keep trying to figure out the WHY of it, clearly I am not letting this go yet. I know it’s not productive or helpful for me to keep up these thoughts, yet I don’t know how to turn it off! I want to be done and rid of him. I can’t believe how this has affected me and how much time and energy I am giving it. I hardly slept last night and would love to have the peace of mind to get a good nights rest yet, I keep searching for these answers and it’s torture really.
I am codependent, I have always put others before myself. I have always had a hard time saying no to people. I give more than I get. I just want something good to come out of this, I want to be a better person and partner, and I appreciate NML’s post so much as it has provided good perspective, but I am ready to be done with all this introspection and be over my heartache and find some peace.
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allie on at 10:57 pm
@Left wondering
I thin you are a good person and you need to stop beating yourself up over this. As hard as it is he used you, and lied to you and presented himself like someone he is not. You are not the only one in this situation, a lot a women are in your same shoes, and i would say there are also man that get used too.
It’s painfull to get disconected, excrushiating pain I’d say. Give yourself time, cancel all the words you spoke to him and all the empty words he said to you, break the soul ties and set yourself free.
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namaste on at 4:45 pm
re Trinity’s comment. “Forming connection over past troubles…It’s way too much intimacy early on.” That whole paragraph was so true for me in my relationship with the EUM boyfriend. It made me vulnerable and opened me up to a lot of hurt later as the relationship developed. Instead of getting empathy he used this information against me. Making judgmental remarks and making me feel that I was too needy and like I deserved the bad treatment I got from my ex-husband,because I was too weak and stupid to leave my marriage in the early years instead of 30 years later. Thank-you to everyone for your comments. The wisdom gained from experience is powerful when you share it with others.
Lesley Binnie on at 5:38 pm
Another insightful, inspiring article… My hook was always being ‘The Fixer’,had done it since very early childhood because of a dynamic in my parent’s relationship. When they argued I was go between,confidante,little fixer, particularly for my mum… Only in the last few years have I realised how this defined my relationships and I’m in my early forties….hell, we take a while, don’t we?
Another hook of mine was, as Natalie mentions’the pedestal’, except I had not just the AC on it but the whole bloody relationship. Noone else ever loved like we did, well maybe Tristan and Isolde, noone ever had such white heat,melding into each other bodies sex, noone was ever so ‘star crossed’ by events,noone ever has these deep earth shattering conversations….
I experienced my last five year relationship with Bryan Ferry singing ‘More than this,there is nothing…’ playing as the background music.. !!
What an egotist I was and what crippling hard work with all that responsibility for other’s happiness and fixing. In my last short dating experience ( I think he was a EUM…), I caught myself on the train going home, actually thinking about how bad his diet was and how a mediterrenean diet might help his high blood pressure….whoaaaa! As the train pulled into the station all I could see were red flags, I was able to stop myself short. No more fixing with guys you don’t really know and who haven’t proven their worth to you. I think I ‘m nearly cured but never complacent. Thanks again this article was so informative and made me laugh at myself a lot.JadeSesame on at 1:31 am
It’s funny, but I too often think about the AC’s poor eating habits, his compromised health, too much red meat and eating out.. I wanted to be the one to nurture and nourish him back to vitality with home-cooked food! I wanted to be his physical and psychological fixer. He was a master manipulator who kept me hooked through flattery (about how great a cook I was, how he thought I’d be a wonderful mother, a brilliant teacher, yadada) and appraisal. I am normally someone who is not a sucker for empty praises but in this encounter, I so desperately wanted his validation, wanted him to like me and I was doing all that I could to secure his praise. I was happy when he told me I was cute and funny (but if this came from someone else, I’d be offended because it’s such an infantilizing remark!). There were these deep hooks- of me wanting to be the nurturing, maternal figure, and me acting like the daughter wanting her father’s praise.
I came across a line somewhere on the internet, that was something like: you learn how to be a woman from a mother, and what it means to be a woman from your father.
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Lesley Binnie on at 12:47 pm
@Jade Sesame, I think the breakthrough comes when you ask yourself who is nurturing me?? Real nurturing is different isn’t it from what these men provide in terms of intellectual stimulation,classy places and meals,landmarks to visit… These activities are designed to show HIM off at best advantage,prove his status,whilst we bathe in the proverbial sun of his ego. It’s a hook ,no doubt about it…. I think this kind of mirage doesn’t make up for the back rub, the ‘really’ listening, the looking out for you,the true empathy towards you when you’re down,the consistent communication and the strive for honesty in sharing feelings… Are these men capable of being nurturers… I truly think not. Lesleyx
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JJ2 on at 5:50 pm
OH boy, this is a good one. I’m still “hooked” even though it’s been 7 months since I walked out. There were so many things that we were the “same” on, and that is my “hook.” I can’t get over him. My brain says, “it’s over, it’s over” but my heart says, “no it’s not.” I’m having trouble getting my brain and my heart to agree. I am having trouble “moving on.”
I did put him on a pedastal, but not for any “Status” reasons. He was older than I. Normally, I date younger men. The “older” thing got to me, and I put him on a “pedestal.” But there were so many things we were the “same” on, and if it weren’t for the A/C stuff, it would have been good. Somehow, there wasn’t a “connection.”
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sule on at 6:13 pm
“Pain and problems” – there it is, in black and white. The hook that kept me going back, despite all the red flags that said run. “Fantasy” was another – I never saw him for what he was while we were together. Boy, did I see him for what he was today. After almost 3 months NC, he showed up at work and “wanted to talk”. Three months ago I’d have prayed for this moment and soaked up every fake word of it, but not now (god bless Natalie and this site!). The crocodile tears, the “tell me what to do to make it right”, all crap. Textbook assclown. He was trying, or rather “assclown trying” to fix the friendship that meant so much to him (except that he sort of forgot about it for 3 months…words and actions not matching). I am so glad I had read this post this morning – I just sat there saying “hook”, “hook”, “hook”. It’s so easy to see now and so painful when I was in the middle of it. Thank god for sanity! He asked me repeatedly “what could he do”. I started laughing and he asked why. I told him the only thing he could do is “stop being an assclown”.
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Over It on at 7:59 pm
Honestly, I had EVERY ONE of these hooks going.
I should have just worn one of those hats that fishermen wear —
you know, with all the fancy hooks in them.And I could have used a pair of hip waders too, for all the BS I had to walk through.
Hangin’ up my rod. No more fishing for agony for this girl.
Ever. Period.Thank you NML,
Over It -
findingmyself on at 10:59 pm
I just wanted to share a song with everyone, I’m sure if you listen to the words of this song, 98% will be able to relate (if not 100%)! I love music! It can really speak to your soul!
susiejay on at 12:17 am
I think the connection part applies to my scenario with my ex EUM/AC guy, we did have a lot of interests in common, we did come from similar backgrounds/childhoods, the physical connection was fantastic and i once told him i would never give that up – must have been in one of my more malleable moments in the afterglow!
He did make a lot of future plans which i was happy to go along with as he did most of the bookings to go to places we went and things we did which i was happy to agree to. But he let me down badly, of course in the end!
I am getting stronger i feel, but there are times when i think of all the happy times and tend to forget the way he treated me, especially towards the end.
I can never forgive the awol situation at Xmas 2009 and then him coming back to me for another 6 months because when he came back to me he seemed to pick arguments more often (yes we did not agree on everything we did) but we usually made up quickly. I think he came back to humiliate me on reflection. Of course, looking back now once i discovered the cheating i see the lies, deceit, underhanded actions, manipulative controlling of myself and i must have been blind to put up with it. The trouble is, i never, ever expected him to cheat and i am so shocked that he did eventually. Yes, i know its always possible for men to stray but whenever i asked him outright if he would, he always answered ‘why would i want to do that’? He said he would never let himself get into a position whereby he was offered sex, and he would refuse anyway i was everything he wanted. Well he is a liar of course which is something i never expected of him, i always considered him to have morals and integrity – huh – i suppose i put him on a pedestal with hindsight – more fool me.Can they still love you if they cheat? Do they ever regret having cheated even? Do they miss you when you call the relationship off because of cheating? There are so many thoughts i have in my mind i find it difficult to understand sometimes. I try to block out the images of what he and she got up to in my head, was she better at making love to him than myself – is this a normal reaction anyone?
I say i am getting better, but there are still down days and i sometimes dwell on the times he said where he was supposed to be and yet he must have been with her, the b’stard!
Lesley Binnie on at 10:29 am
Hi Susie Jay, sex is such a big, nasty, hurting, hook and I ‘ve been where you are. The pictures running through my head of being together. I think, I know most women can’t help but do this. Sex is a huge thing for us, particularly if it’s accompanied by sweet words, promises which link to the future… What has worked for me and was is working for me…is.. I juxtapose a picture of how we were in the bedroom against something he said or did which hurt me. I literally see the two scenes running in parallel. This usually sorts things out. When there is misalighnment between actions and promises… You’ve got to take out the hook.
Re your comment on cheating. I hate it that you’re comparing whether you were as good as the other woman…you’ve got nothing to prove to this AC.! Feel sorry for the woman, if he’s with her, she’s going to go through what he did to you. Be glad and grateful you’re out of it…x-
Aimee on at 12:17 am
Hi Susie Jay,
I was reading your post and flashed on when I was young and had a wonderful guy in my life that I cheated on. We were together from 15/20 to 20/25 – my age and then his. He was an extreme EUM – I EUW, but he was not an AC – I probably was.
He was a good man but very crippled from an abusive/alcoholic home as was I. I cheated quite a bit – but none of them meant anything to me – at the time I was hoping they were going to “save” me (fantasy) – but it was all a big fantasy. I was messed up on drugs and alcohol. I really did love this guy and I know he loved me – he came back to me 10 yrs later and I had cleaned up and had done alot of work. Guess what? He was still EUM and ended up leaving me 3 days later after buying a home together never to be heard from again.
I realized then that had I not been messed up he and I would have never made it 5 yrs and that not everything was my fault. He did me a favor.
I believe just because someone cheats does not mean that is a reflection of us (or in his case with me – not him – it was me). He was great in bed, attentive, loving, giving – just EUM. I am writing this to remind myself the AC that I just broke up with that cheated on me and that is his s**t. I am a good, sexy attractive woman.
Needless to say – I have grown up – and have never cheated on anyone since him (20 yrs old) I am now 45. I am an honest, kind, loving, available, person with integrity today. I know that if I feel like cheating that it is time to have a talk in my relationship or get out. I still feel bad for the pain that I caused this guy and have truely learned from the experience.
This is about him – you may have your part – but the OW has nothing on you…..it’s about him.
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JadeSesame on at 6:04 pm
I couldn’t be reading your posts on ‘hooks’ at a more timely moment. My awakening came when I realized that there was no relationship, all my mental energies revolved around trying to decode his silence, interpret his ambiguities and conflicting mixed signals. Thank you, Nat, for your incisive analysis! I’m into my first week of no contact, slowly reclaiming my life back and reconnecting with the old self that I’d nearly lost, having allowed my ex-AC to trample all over my self-esteem, all in the name of love, not having any boundaries in the name of wanting to be understanding and accommodating.
I was hooked onto my ex-AC for a variety of reasons. When we met a year ago, he presented himself as a victimized husband who was tormented by wife-from-hell, who was trying to divorce him, malign him and milk him for all he was worth. We kissed under a full moon on a romantic summer night, he said he wanted to be available for me, after 3 days of getting to know me and my heart was hooked. He said all sorts of sweet nothings and promptly disappeared, didn’t say goodbye, left me heartbroken. I wrote him letters (one describing how devastated I was, the second being hypercritical of his selfish, thoughtless actions) and he never responded.
I was resolved to NC but psychologically and emotionally, I hadn’t let go and he was still hovering in my mental landscape, I’d have imaginary conversations with him everyday. 5 months later, we met on the streets and he said he’d never received my first letter, he accused me of writing a “nasty letter” and I crumbled like a cookie. It was as if I could not fathom the idea of him being hurt and I started to question and doubt my assessment of him.
We reconnected, had a few light-hearted dates and then he started to flake out on me on dates, make me wait endlessly for no reason. This period coincided with the ex-wife pulling an international parental abduction act. Again, my heartstrings came undone. He presented himself as this helpless, chaotic man-child who was disorganized, absent-minded and prone to accidents (getting cut by broken glass, losing his bank card, getting locked out), I ended up helping him to clear his trash, wash his dishes, became increasingly invested and concerned about his welfare. There were brief fleeting moments of intimacy, or what I thought was real affection and love that he showed but this would be accompanied by him disappearing for days, weeks. His sexual behaviour was odd- he told me I was beautiful and sexy but never seemed to be able to follow through with intercourse and I ended up doing most of the work. He never called, I only received one-line smses and again, I wanted to distinguish myself from his ex-wife by proving to be understanding, undemanding, not interfering with his life (he is a professional musician in one of the world’s best orchestras, so I suspect he has this narcissistic, I-am-the-supreme misunderstood artist complex).
So many hooks kept me to him.. I originally perceived him as this flawed Byronic romantic hero who was indecisive (I love Bette davis melodramas, romantic comedies and operas and somehow saw myself and my ex-AC as conforming to this narrative, where there’d be an epiphany on the hero’s part at the end), part of me felt like I wanted to take care and nurture the broken man-child/bad schoolboy in him (in the aftermath of his divorce and child-kidnapping).. I had these strong compulsions to want to cook for him and clean up his mess. He’s 45, I’m 27. He never asked me directly to do these things but was brilliant at manouvrering and hinting, so that he could get what he wanted without directly asking. I realized I’d been passive-aggressive in my previous relationships, I have a fear of abandonment (my father was emotionally unavailable, like an autistic person who NEVER spoke to me and he disappeared 3 years ago). I saw these traits being reflected in my ex-AC (he alluded to having mother issues, he was silent most of the time when we were not together and this drove me insane), albeit in a very extreme, concentrated and exaggerated manner, his very blatant passive-aggressive communication style and because I knew I had them too. I read tons of psychology articles about passive-aggressiveness, became quite obsessed in trying to reach out to him, modify my own communication style. I somehow thought that we were destined to be soul-mates, we had this inexplicable karmic connection. I was on my own path to self-healing and thus the ideal person to understand all his flaws. But what I did not deal with was the fact that he is smugly contented with his current existence. Who am I then, to poke holes in pointing out why he needs to change?
I’m waking up from my romantic delusions (of getting euphoric when I receive his smses), I’m tearing off these hooks, looking and scrutinizing myself and why I even allowed myself to get involved with someone like that (I cannot list any redeeming or positive qualities about him, objectively), I’m moving on with my life and deriving joy in REAL, immediate relationships, people who actually offer me meaningful stimulation. This blog has helped so much, it’s my daily bread.
Dianna on at 11:42 pm
Hi everyone
I read JadeSesame’s post with interest, so many similarities… wanting to be the one to understand this poor victim, twisting myself around in the path of self improvement to be accomodating in the spirit of ‘true love’.
I realised something this morning – all my most impactful relationships recently, I discovered there was some sort of mental imbalance with the guy. My former fiance from a few years ago was a sweet person, and we did have a proper relationship, but he had a form of dyslexia that made him very passive aggressive and confusing in his actions. My latest enigma I can see is a narcissist who feels the need to control rather than love, he seems to feed off people he creates as dependents. I have most strongly attracted the guys I cannot work out and do not want to be worked out. In the case of my former fiance, he did make some progress by embracing personal growth, but still has a long way to go with a disorder like that.
This more recent one seems still intent on calling all the shots, and I am still unhooking slowly.
But what made me recoil this morning was, that I don’t think I’ve ever had an obvious mental disorder, so why do these guys feel so ‘right’. And then I realised it. My father, who I grew up with so had normalised his behaviour, was quite a controller. My original narcissist! All the hoops my dad put my through seem so familiar. Honestly, these adult relationships have been in the echo of trying to reach my unreachable dad. The hooks seem so strong because it’s literally like if I don’t keep working on making it work with the man, I will never get the love or understanding I need from my father. My father never worked on any of his behaviour, and I had almost thought I could just ‘work around him’, exchange pleasantries when needed, and leave him be. But clearly my adult relationships are simply attracting variations of him. So the question really for me is, how do I unhook dad, as my latest enigma AC is really just hooked because he is the closest in attitude to dad? I sense if I can truly heal around dad this AC will just feel like a blip on the radar. Suggestions welcome, thanks, DiannaJadeSesame on at 1:15 am
Hi Dianna,
I hear you. It’s interesting to explore how we acquire our own notions of “true love”/standing by your broken man (in spite of how self-destructive it is). There’re psychologists who write about the effects that emotionally unavailable fathers have on their daughters, how past traumas are re-played, we reproduce the dynamics of our parents’ marriage and familiar childhood tensions are re-created, in an attempt to correct the past.
Like you, I gravitate towards people who’d be considered not-so-normal in terms of temperament/attachment styles. I also normalized my father’s narcissistic, silent, withholding behavior. He was clearly dysfunctional, I don’t know about you.. but when I was growing up, I was made to internalize notions about him loving me, people around me told me that men are normally not so demonstrative, culture/society also plays a part in legitimizing the stoic/silent patriarchal figure as acceptable male behavior.
I guess narcissistic and passive-aggressive behaviours are deeply entrenched into one’s personality, although being the eternal optimist I am, I tend to embrace the idea that people can always change for the better, only if they make a conscious choice and effort to do so!
I don’t know if it’s possible to truly heal from childhood wounds/resolve father issues, I’ve felt pure numbness, indifference, anger, disbelief, incomprehension (over how I have been blatantly ignored, disrespected, unheard, unloved), shock, at different points in my life. What is extremely clear is that my ACs have triggered off the exact emotional reactions in my recollection of my father, it is as if the past intensifies the present pain. Maybe it isn’t possible to fully heal, but it helps to be aware of our personal weak spots, raw nerves or emotional trappings so we can stop being lifelong AC-magnets.
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Dianna on at 10:53 am
Thanks JadeSesame
I too am the eternal optimist (sucker!!!), faithful, loyal, etc. I have to revise that it’s a good quality to stick around forever when it clearly feels tiring and challenging for the one who is just going through the motions for a lesser goal. Although it’s exactly what my mother did and so it normalised for me that the man is austere and in charge and the woman submissive.
Interestingly the most painful time in my young life was my parents divorce as a child, so when my mum didn’t stick around and my dad really didn’t cope (and took it out on us) I think the shock and horror of all that change made me regress to a frozen numbness where you NEVER challenge the man you need to appease, and NEVER leave.
For all his faults my dad was solid as a rock and that divorce period was the most unreliable I’d seen him, so even as a child I tried to protect him by witholding my feelings, and in doing so, created a pain in me. I don’t know if he ever appreciated my internalisations, my experience was a sad combination of how much he liked yelling and finding fault, and how much he preferred me to shut up… you know, draw me out just to kick me down. I soon learned that if I did speak up I would cop it so of course I shut it down. The sad thing is, I cannot even remember the exact year/s of the divorce, it is still a blur, I recoiled so badly. So of course anyone who seems like my dad but who offers me love, protection, connection and listening to me seems just like what my sad little girl has been waiting for. I shall spend some time with ‘her’ tonight. Thanks for sharing, cheers Dianna.
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Jane on at 12:28 am
What a great post. I will certainly be thinking about my hooks!
Tulipa on at 2:00 pm
Disinterest & Rejection – You feel most drawn to a person when their interest is not returned or they cause you to feel rejected in the relationship. The less they want you, the more convinced you are that you want them
It took me a long time to wake up to this fact that I was always attracted to the guy who had little interest in me as a person but I had great interest in them I haven’t found all the reasons as to why this is but I have now come to realise I need to ask the question
not
Why am I not good enough for this man?
but rather why do I think this person and their behaviour is acceptable to me? or why do I think they are too good for me?
Reading some of the above posts have made me look back and the original person who showed no interest in my life was my dad my mum left him when I was young and he was never interested in my life. I saw him last as a child when I was 8 and not again until my 20s and it was me looking for him not vice versa and even now when he rings me he hardly asks me about my life. A lightbulb as gone on thanks to above posts I couldn’t quite put my finger why I always wanted the ones that didn’t want me I know there are other reasons but I didn’t connect the dots about my dad before.-
Fearless on at 6:50 pm
I too have always been the same, Tulipa; if a guy showed real interes in me I would think he was a ‘bit of a bore’. How often I have trampled over all the decent blokes to get to the f***er in the corner!
No more. We need to stop asking what can I do to make “him” want me and replace it with what can he do to make me want hiim? So far, not an awful lot.
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cat@ inspirational grieving quotes on at 5:55 am
great info on relationship stuff. I have been alone for so long i don’t remember what my hooks were. I think it was the fantasy thing – and i think a lot of women fall into that because of the whole “prince charming is going to save me” crap that has been feed American girls.
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skippy on at 1:44 pm
Rarely have I been hooked on appearance, body type, power, etc. I am usually drawn fo personality: wit, humor, the ability to use language in creative ways. And I recognized this as my “hook”, but after reading your blog, I have a better understanding of how much undue weight I put on it.
Got to find a better way. You make a lot of sense. Thank you.
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snowboard on at 1:02 pm
Here’s another hook: jealousy.
My AC has been obsessed with one girl for apparently 10+ years. This drives me crazy, since he treats every other girl he meets abysmally, showering them with attention for maybe one or two days and then turning completely indifferent, even vicious, to them. She can somehow sustain his interest though. What’s up with that?
In some ways though, I am happy that he is so obsessed with her. She completely tortures him the way he plays other women. She’ll sleep with him like once every few years, but then always ends up with other guys, meanwhile always giving him reason to believe MAYBE in the future they’ll end up together.
And despite my intense jealousy, I do know that if they actually did end up together, there is no way he could be a good boyfriend to her. He is too selfish and crazy.
