You've probably heard great things about how well time-outs curb unwanted behaviors. But removing your misbehaving child from the action for a little solitary time doesn't always work. Is there anything you can do to make time-outs more effective?
Here are some common problems parents face as well as some tips for making time-outs work better for you.
Your child doesn't take time-outs seriously
If your child gives you a blank look, rolls his eyes, or otherwise shows he's unimpressed by the idea of a time-out, there could be a few different explanations.
Be realistic. Children develop at different rates. What works for your neighbor's grade-schooler may be too much for your 2-year-old to comprehend.
Very young children don't have much control over their impulses, and they usually need to be told what is expected of them many, many times before they understand. So when you're deciding if time-outs might work for you, consider whether your child is mature enough to understand what you're asking him to do.
Consistency is key. Don't call a time-out today but skip it tomorrow for the same behavior because you're in a better mood. And always follow through on a warning if your child doesn't heed you. One warning is sufficient – too many warnings turns a consequence into a gamble.
Act immediately. It's important to give the time-out on the spot. Don't wait 30 minutes – or even five – until it's more convenient. If you're out in public, give the time-out right where you are. (At the supermarket, you might have to take your child to the car if he's out of control.) If you wait until you get home, you lose the connection between the time-out and the behavior that caused it.
Keep your cool. How you act before, during, and after a time-out can be just as important as how your child behaves. Getting upset and talking too much are the two most common slipups parents make when giving time-outs. Tell your child what he did wrong in as few words as possible and stay calm while you put him in time-out.
Your child won't stay put
Most kids find it hard to sit still for more than a few minutes. Don't feel you have to stick to the standard minute-per-year rule for time-outs. As soon as your child has calmed down, the time-out has served its purpose.
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If your child refuses to go to her time-out place and stay there, she needs your help. Walk her to the chosen spot, and calmly instruct her to sit down. If she springs up, gently sit her back down again.
But don't let the jack-in-the-box routine become a game: If your youngster gets up a third time, try sitting down with her and calmly holding her in your arms for the duration of the time-out. Don't speak to her other than to say, "I'm holding you here because you need a time-out."
Do this consistently, gently, and without scolding. It may take a few time-outs before your child decides she'd rather cooperate than be held still. And it goes without saying that you should never jerk or force your child to her time-out spot.
If you can't keep your child in a time-out without a struggle, let her know there will be a specific consequence for leaving the time-out early. This works best for slightly older children and may mean she doesn't get screen time or can't play with her favorite toy for the rest of the day.
Your child misbehaves during a time-out
Choose the right spot. The idea of a time-out is to remove your child from whatever's getting him worked up – not to remove your attention from him. Though it's a popular time-out spot, a child's bedroom may not be the best place to encourage "quiet time."
First, it's likely to be out of your sight (and possibly earshot as well). A child may find toys, books, or other playthings in the room enticing, which can undermine the purpose of a time-out. Also, a younger child may still be learning to sleep well on his own, and his bedroom should be a sanctuary rather than a site for discipline.
Instead of your child's room, choose a nearby chair, a corner, or another safe spot that's away from a lot of distractions – then stay there with him if need be.
Intervene before the meltdown. It's upsetting to listen to, but a dramatic show of tears doesn't mean the time-out isn't working. It helps to begin a time-out or remove your child from the situation before he goes into a meltdown.
If that's not possible, try to ignore the hubbub. Most kids calm down eventually.
Even if yours doesn't, the key issue is whether he continues to misbehave after the time-out. If his actions and composure improve, you've made your point.
Time-outs lose their effectiveness
Pick your battles. A child is constantly exploring – the world is one big experiment to her. She wants to discover what things are, how they work, and what she can (and can't) do.
Along the way, of course, she does plenty of things that you'd rather she didn't, from cutting her own hair to pulling all the petals off the flowers in your garden.
You can't rely on time-outs to correct every annoying act. Used too frequently, time-outs won't be effective, and they may stifle your child's natural curiosity.
Save time-outs for when your child is being willfully disobedient, aggressive, or violent.
Watch for patterns. If your child regularly goes to time-out for the same misbehavior, see if you can figure out the reason why. If she hits her sister, maybe she's jealous and needs some extra hugs and reassurance when she's not being aggressive.
If an angry rampage results in a time-out, teach her positive ways she can let go of her rage. Maybe she can run around outside until she feels calmer or take a deep breath and exhale to release her anger
Reevaluate. Some parents say their child seems to like getting a time-out. If this is the case, ask yourself if you're so busy that the only time your child gets your undivided attention is when she misbehaves and you send her to time-out.
Make sure you provide plenty of "time-in" – including encouragement, hugs, and kisses – whether or not she's doing something you like.
