- Dating
This is really one of the worst feelings in all of online dating. You’ve found that amazing person and you spent all afternoon crafting the perfect message to send to them. You click send, and then you wait…and you wait…until you start to realize that they might not be writing you back.
And then the question hits you—should you send a second message? Well, this is the million dollar question that we’re going to cover today.
The Answer
Yes. You didn’t expect it to be that easy, did you? Well it is—but it also isn’t. If you’ve read any of our blogs or advice columns before, you know that most of our answers come with conditions, but this one is pretty clear-cut.
You can and should send a second message if you want to (with conditions).
A lot of times messages will get buried in online dating especially if you’re messaging a female (females typically get way more messages than men). Sometimes, people will just go through and clean everything out or will do a quick scan through deleting things and might accidentally delete your message.
But, how can you know if this is the case or if they’re just not interested? The answer is that you can’t. If they don’t respond, you’ll have no way of knowing if they are just not interested, forgot to reply, or accidentally deleted your message.
That being said, why not err on the side of caution and send a second message? What’s the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen is they just delete it again or send you a message telling you they aren’t interested.
Is that really that bad? We don’t think so and you shouldn’t either.
If you’re too sensitive to take an I’m not interested letter from someone, then you need to take a break from dating for a while. But, most people are just going to delete your message again if they deleted the first one and move on so you really don’t need to worry about that.
The best that can happen is they see your message and are interested! That’s an opportunity you’d never have gotten if you didn’t send that second message.
The only way you’re going to put your mind to rest on whether you should send that second message or not is to send that second message.
The Catch
We know we said this was pretty clear cut and there really was no catch, but there is a little one. You need to make sure that you aren’t sending the second message too soon. If it’s been three hours and you haven’t heard from them, don’t send a second message.
Seriously…give them some time to get online and read through their messages and get back to you. Ideally, we recommend waiting at least 8 days before sending your second message. Some people only check their accounts one day a week, and this will ensure that they have a chance to read your message and respond if they want to.
Secondly, make sure that your second message is not rude or calling them out for not responding. You can say something to the effect of “Hey! Just wanted to see if you were around to chat. Sorry for the second message, but you seem really cool, and I’d kick myself if I didn’t try to reach out again.”
Anything to that effect would be perfect. Please don’t send “Hey, why are you ignoring me?” or ANYTHING like that, please. Imagine how well that would go over if they just hadn’t gotten a chance to read your first message. You’d now shot yourself in the foot.
The Quality of Your First Message
One other small catch or caveat we want to mention is that a lot of this is dependent on the quality of your first message. If you sent a terrible first message, there’s probably no reason to send a second message and just add insult to injury.
Make sure you’re focusing on how to send a great first message or the second message is pointless. The article we’ve linked is a must-read if you’re looking to increase your online dating responses and success.
Another Option – Sending Another First Message Instead
It’s easy to get fixated on one person when you’re dating online. You’ll tell yourself they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, even if you’ve never talked to them. While they might be, another great strategy for those curious about sending a second message is to not put all your eggs in one basket. Instead of sending them a second message, send out a few more first messages! Give a few more quality men or women the chance to respond.
Read Receipts
The one exception to all of this is when you use an online dating site with read receipts. This is a function that tells you when and if someone read your message. On a lot of sites, it will also tell you if they just deleted your message.
This is a feature that we highly recommend getting if it’s available. It can help to put a lot of your concerns to rest and prevent you from sending a second message if they haven’t read your first one yet.
Read: Understanding How Read Receipts Work
Written By: Matthew J. Seymour, MSF
Matthew J. Seymour is a dating industry expert with over a decade of experience coaching singles, reviewing dating apps, and analyzing trends within the industry. Matt is a published author with his most recent work “Get More Dates: How to Master Online Dating Apps” that hit shelves in 2023. With a Masters of Science in Finance (MSF) degree from the University of Florida and extensive knowledge of the innerworkings of the online dating industry, Matt frequently serves in an advisory role to some of the largest dating apps on the market. In Matt’s current role with Healthy Framework, he leads the interview team that regularly interviews key dating industry leaders, and leverages his financial knowledge and dating app experience to review and share what singles need to know to get the most out of dating online.
Reviewed By: Detective Nicholas Nalder
Detective Lieutenant Nicholas Nalder is an investigations lieutenant with the Salt Lake County District Attorney’s Office. Det. Nalder has over a decade of experience with law enforcement with specialized experience working with internet safety, online investigations, and digital forensics. When it comes to online dating, it’s imperative that users know which dating apps are the safest and how to keep themselves safe online. Det. Nadler works with the Healthy Framework editorial team to help make this a reality by reviewing the safety of dating app recommendations, as well as any article dealing with how to keep yourself safe. Det. Nadler has a Bachelors in Criminal Justice Administration, Information Technology, and Cyber Security, an Associates Degree in Criminal Justice, and a Certified Ethical Hacker (CHE) distinction from Columbia Southern University.
