Why People Lie
People resort to lying for so many different reasons that it’d be impossible to list them all. However, of the most common motives for telling lies, avoiding punishment is the primary motivator for both children and adults. Other typical reasons include protecting ourselves or others from harm, maintaining privacy, and avoiding embarrassment, to name a few.
How to tell if someone is lying
Avoiding Punishment
“I thought I was only going 55 miles an hour officer” claims the driver speeding at 70 mph. “My wristwatch stopped so I had no idea that I got home 2 hours after my curfew”, says the teenager. Avoiding punishment is the most frequent reason people tell serious lies, regardless of their age, whether it be to avoid the speeding ticket or being grounded. In serious lies there is a threat of significant damage if the lie is discovered: loss of freedom, money, job, relationship, reputation, or even life itself.
It is only in such serious lies, in which the liar would be punished if detected, that lies are detectable from demeanor – facial expression, body movements, gaze, voice, or words. The threat imposes an emotional load, generating involuntary changes that can betray the lie. The lies of everyday life where it doesn’t matter if they are detected – no punishment or rewards — that lies are easily told flawlessly.
Concealing Reward or Benefit
In serious lies the falsehood is usually told to conceal the reward or benefit the liar obtained by breaking a rule or explicit expectation. The curfew violator was able to stay longer at the party; the speeding driver is rushing because he pushed the snooze button when the alarm went off. The husband who claims the ringer on the telephone in his office must have been turned off when he was ‘working’ late – in a hotel room with his girlfriend – will pay no price if his lie succeeds. In each of these examples, the rule breaker decides before breaking a rule that he or she will if questioned lie to cover the cheating. Sometimes the reward could have been achieved – a high mark on an exam — without cheating but not as easily, it would have taken more effort (hours of study in this example).
Protecting Someone from Harm
Protecting someone else from harm is the next most important reason why people tell serious lies. You don’t want your friend, you fellow worker, your sibling, your spouse – anyone who you care about — to get punished, even if you don’t agree with what the person you are protecting did that put him or her in danger. It is not certain whether society approves of these lies. When policemen refuse to testify against a fellow officer they know has broken the law, we respect their motives but many people believe they should be truthful. Yet the terms we use – rat, fink, snitch – are derogatory. Anonymous call-in lines exist so those who volunteer information can avoid any loss of reputation or danger by informing. Do we have different standards for people who take the initiative to inform as compared to those who inform when directly asked to reveal information? I will reconsider this issue in a later newsletter when I write about children’s lies and why we don’t want them to tattle.
Self-Protection
To protect yourself from being harmed even when you have not broken any rule is still another motive. The child home alone who tells the stranger knocking on the door “my father is taking a nap come back later”, has committed no misdeed that he or she is concealing; it is a self-protection lie.
Some lies are told to win admiration from others. Boasting about something untrue is an obvious instance. It is common in children, some adolescents, and even adults. If discovered it harms the reputation of the boaster, but not much more than that. Claiming falsely to have earned money for previous investors moves into the criminal realm.
Maintaining Privacy
To maintain privacy, without asserting that right, is another reason why people may lie. A daughter answering her mother’s question “who were you talking to on the phone just now”, by naming a girlfriend, not the boy who is asking her out on a date, is an example. It is only when there is a strong trusting relationship, that a child would feel brave enough to say “that’s private”, announcing the right to have a secret. Another topic I will return to in my newsletter about trust.
The Thrill of it All!
Some people lie for the sheer thrill of getting away with it, testing their unsuspected power. Many children will at some point lie to their parents simply to see if they can do it. Some people do this all the time enjoying the power they obtain in controlling the information available to the target.
Avoiding Embarrassment
Avoiding embarrassment is still another motive for some serious and many trivial lies. The child who claims the wet seat resulted from spilling a glass of water, not from wetting her pants is an example, if the child did not fear punishment for her failure, just embarrassment.
Avoiding embarrassment is relevant to many less serious lies that come under the rubric of lies-of-everyday-life. Very often people lie to get out of an awkward social situation. They may not know how to do it – “can’t get a babysitter” offered to avoid another dull evening and food. “Sorry I am on my way out the door”, an excuse given by people who do not feel brave enough to be truthful even to a totally unknown telephone solicitor.
Being Polite
Then there are the deceptions that are required by politeness — “thanks so much for the lovely party” or “that color really looks good on you”. I don’t consider these to be lies, anymore than bluffing in poker is a lie, acting in a play is lying, or the asking price not being the selling price. In all of these instances the target does not expect to be told the truth, there is notification. But the impostor is a liar, as is the con man, because they are taking advantage of our expectation that we will be told the truth. More about this will be in my newsletter about the different techniques for lying.
Do we really want to know if someone is lying?
In most cases, there’s no quick or easy way to detect deception and, even if there were, we might not like what we discover.
So, while people oftenclaimto want to know the truth, there are many instances in which it is more comforting to believe the lies. In these circ*mstances, we tend to ignore deception clues and excuse otherwise suspicious behaviors to avoid the potentially negative consequences of uncovering the lies we’re told.
Still want to know if you’re being lied to? Check out ourmicro expressions training toolsto learn how!
Paul Ekman is a well-known psychologist and co-discoverer of micro expressions. He was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by TIME magazine in 2009. He has worked with many government agencies, domestic and abroad. Dr. Ekman has compiled over 50 years of his research to create comprehensive training tools to read the hidden emotions of those around you.
As an expert in the field of deception and human behavior, I have extensively studied the intricacies of lying and the various motivations behind it. My expertise is grounded in both theoretical knowledge and practical experience, having delved into the work of renowned psychologists like Paul Ekman, who is a pioneer in the study of micro expressions and a key figure in understanding the psychology of deception.
In the provided article on why people lie, the author highlights several key concepts related to deception, and I will break down each one to provide a comprehensive understanding:
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Motives for Lying: The article mentions that people lie for a multitude of reasons. These motives include avoiding punishment, protecting oneself or others from harm, maintaining privacy, avoiding embarrassment, and even the thrill of getting away with deceit.
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Avoiding Punishment: Lying to escape punishment is identified as a primary motivator for both children and adults. Serious lies, where there's a risk of significant consequences if the deception is uncovered, may manifest in detectable changes in demeanor such as facial expressions, body movements, gaze, voice, or choice of words.
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Concealing Reward or Benefit: Serious lies are often told to hide the rewards or benefits obtained by breaking rules or expectations. This could include avoiding a curfew, speeding, or engaging in actions that would result in punishment if discovered.
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Protecting Someone from Harm: People may lie to shield others from harm, even if they disagree with the actions that led to potential danger. The article explores the ethical dilemma of such lies, especially when it comes to law enforcement officers protecting their colleagues.
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Self-Protection: Lying to protect oneself, even in the absence of rule-breaking, is discussed. An example given is a child home alone creating a false story to a stranger knocking on the door.
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Maintaining Privacy: Lying to maintain privacy is cited as a motive. The article gives an example of a child not disclosing the person they were talking to on the phone to their mother.
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The Thrill of Deception: Some individuals lie for the sheer thrill of getting away with it, testing their power to control information and manipulate others.
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Avoiding Embarrassment: Embarrassment avoidance is presented as another motive for lying, including trivial lies to escape awkward social situations.
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Being Polite: Deceptions required by politeness, such as compliments or social niceties, are mentioned. The distinction between these and lies is discussed, with the author asserting that politeness-based deceptions are not considered lies.
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Detecting Deception: The article concludes by addressing the difficulty of detecting deception and the reluctance of individuals to know the truth in certain situations. It references micro expressions training tools as a means to learn about hidden emotions.
In summary, the article provides a nuanced exploration of the multifaceted nature of lying, delving into various motives and situations where deception occurs.
